An adventure...

Karis and I are going on an adventure this weekend.

I won't tell you where.

It will be a surprise for when we come back.

But we are both super excited.

It is the first girls weekend we have ever been on together- by ourselves.

Well, by ourselves, and with the people we are meeting.

I have a prayer request.

You see, cancer seems to get in the way of a lot of things.

I feel great, have for the last few days.

I've been tired, a little, but no great pain.

What a praise.

But... there is always the lingering doubt being sick brings.

What if I have a health crash over the weekend?

What if all I can do is sleep because the pain is too much?

What if I overdo it and then I crash after our weekend?

And then I think of the verse, I'm not sure where, but the one that says, "Do not worry, it only causes harm." I think Proverbs.

I know that all of the above worries could happen.

I also know that I need to be smart and not bring on my symptoms.

But I can't let Cancer run my life.

These worries are just that, worry.

I am trying to be smart.

Taking my supplements, resting, doing what has helped me make it this far without my tumor growing and no massive pain medication.

I'm doing my part, it's up to God to do the rest, and He tells me not to worry.

I really want this weekend with my baby girl to work out.

I want to have all the fun we are anticipating having.

I don't want Cancer to ruin it.

But most of all I want what God wants. And I know that means I need to be willing to accept whatever.

That is why I'm asking you to pray.

Pray that we can have a great weekend with me feeling healthy.

But also pray that just in case I do have a struggle this weekend that i would accept it and rejoice no matter what. :-)

Thank you!

I'm hoping to have lots of great pictures to post come Tuesday.

Cause Monday, it's visiting the Oncologist.

Doctors are the best, I'm sure, but right now I'm so tired of them!

On the bright side, at least this time I don't have to get stuck with a needle or cary around a bag of "tinkle" as we call it at our house. :-)

My little cornball

Sometimes I get so caught up on what is happening in my life I forget to share what is going on in theirs.

It's time for a Gabi Rae update.

She has been a little grumpy the last few days, but I think that is from going strong and not sleeping long enough. Usually I hear, "mommy, mommy, or daddy, daddy, or grandma, grandma" (it all depends who put her to bed the previous night) between 5:50am and 6:20am. Way too early.

Since I was gone at Mayo she has had to make sure Mommy is accounted for. When she wakes up from naps I am the only one allowed to touch her.

Hopefully this will pass soon, but I guess I understand why she is going through this.

"I am Dabi."

Is a common phrase from her mouth.

"Are you my princess?"

"No, I'm Dabi."

"Are you my precious baby?"

"No, I'm Dabi!"

"Are you my Cutie?"

"No, I'm DABI!!"

I'm not sure when this phase will be over, but you had better believe for the moment she is "Dabi," and only "Dabi."

Also, everytime I change her diaper and her little nose catches a wiff she says,

"ooooo, stinky darbage. Yuck!"

Cracks me up.

Poor thing should really be potty trained, but I'm not letting the guilt creep in and allowing myself till it gets warmer and I feel better to tackle that.

She is very much into saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," when she has done wrong, such as hitting, pushing, or biting her sister, but recently she has decided to add on to it a little bit.

When she is told to say I'm sorry, she rushes to whoever she has offended, wraps her arms around them and says, "I'm orry, I'm orry, I forgive you, I forgive you."

This morning we were all forgiven several times over for something she had done. :-)

The best part about being her mom? When she wraps those little arms around me and says, "I wuv you mommy, I wuv you!"

God has given us a precious gift in our Dabi!

Tea Parties an' Such

I was invited to tea. The red Bulls chair was my designated spot.

I was a tad worried when Karis began serving up her animals.

It felt almost cannibalistic to pretend to eat them.

When I was handed the sock monkey, I just couldn't do it.

He seemed too human, so I sat him up on the table to partake of our feast.

When Karis brought the next animal intended for our food, she laid the monkey down.

Mom, it's ok, they're all cooked.

I'm not altogether sure I shouldn't still be a little worried about the ease in which she slaughtered all her animals, or maybe I should just chalk it up to having a very resourseful daughter.

They adore their daddy and the feeling is mutual.

Can't you just see the phone bill when they are teenagers?

These next pictures are for Abby and Rae. They deserted us for other states, so haven't seen the almost finished kitchen in my parents basement apartment. I'll forgive them for leaving me and making my selection of babysitters dwindle by two, and I'll even be nice enough to post the pictures.

Cute, isn't she?

Oh yeah, this is supposed to be about the kitchen.

The ugly water purifyer nicely hidden.

The countertop, just in case you hadn't figured that out.

And another wonderful gem to feast your eyes on.

Seriously, my pictures don't do it justice.

Dad and Mom did such a great job of finishing off the unused space in their basement.

What a ministry it will be for people who need a place to stay.

And for us right now as that jungle gym is there and my kids must have run at least two miles in circles down there today. It's the nifty kind that you can run through living room, kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, closet (that is the size of a bedroom) and then do it all over again. A mothers dream for wearing out kids.

My Instruments of Torture!

Saturday, before we made the trek up to Mayo, I went to Walgreen's and picked up my prescription.

I'll admit it was with a little fear and trembling.

And the pharmacist assured me it would be a terrible decision to drink it before we got to our destination.

The easy access to a bathroom seems to be key. :-)

Back to my fear and trembling. From all reports the pre-colonoscopy treatment was much worse than the procedure.

It's not that I doubted people like my dad, etc., but could drinking something be worse than sticking a camera up your bum?

Really?

We arrived at my Aunts home an hour later than planned because of horrible travel conditions on the way up.

Sometimes Dustin couldn't see the road when a Semi would pass us, but because he is such an amazing driver, I wasn't even tense.

The delay meant I didn't get to start my drinking until 11:30p.m.

That is super late for me these days.

I mixed up the powder with the water.

Selected this cheery mug.

Poured the instructed 8 oz.

Took a deep breath (I figured if I didn't breath maybe I wouldn't taste it as much) and gulped it down.

I could only do four big gulps before I had to come up for air.

Holy moly!

Think lemonade that someone seasoned with salt and baking powder.

A lemonade that makes your tummy roll like a tsunami ready to hit the shore - ok, that might be a slight exaggeration. Just slight.

I held my breath again - not sure why this time because it didn't help the first time - and downed the rest.

Ugg, ugg, ugg...

I told Dustin if I had to drink three more glasses I would die.

And you know what?

At the moment I was positive I really would. :-)

Yes, I can be slightly dramatic when the occasion calls for it.

Dustin chuckled a little, then pulled me close when I started to shake.

I'm not sure if it is what I drank, or just my drama queen ways.

I didn't do it on purpose, promise!

He stayed up with me, not that he really had a choice, I wasn't going through this alone, and made me laugh inbetween the guck.

I did manage to chug down three more torturous glasses.

By the last two I was standing over the sink, just in case I, through no fault of my own, gagged and spewed it everywhere.

I'll admit to you that I didn't quite get the full 32oz down. I think it was more like 30.

But, it did the trick.

You see, I was smart, no it was God prompting me because I probably wouldn't have thought of it on my own.

Dr. Yu gave me a full body/colon cleanser for the past six months. I doubled up on it saturday, so come Sunday I was pretty cleared out.

Then not eating, plus the "lemonade" and I was as clean as a whistle.

I cheated and didn't drink the rest of the 32 oz. the next morning.

Even looking at the bottle made me ill.

And yes, I'm being dramatic, but I knew I was good to go.

Well, almost positive.

The check in lady asked how much I had drank.

I couldn't lie. Surely I was ok, right?

She ratted me out to the nurse because the first thing the nurse said was, I hear you only got 50% down.

I felt a little sheepish, but not drinking that second round was worth it the feeling.

And that is about all I remember. :-)

Other than my Doctor was really nice, he had an orange bow tie, and, my colon was super clean. I think I remember seeing a picture of it. I think. The drug they give you is super weird.

I want to emphasize super clean to justify my actions of not obeying the Doctors instructions.

Even my specialist told me how clean my colon was.

Not that you wanted to know that.

But, hey, this is my life at the moment, so this is what you get to hear about.

So, the verdict?

The colonoscopy, due to drugs I'm sure, was a breeze.

The torture before?

NEVER again if I can help it!

My prayers are with whoever of you out there has to get one next, and if you want the name of my colon cleanser, where you just have to swallow some harmless pills, give me a call!

The power of prayer.

I have discovered in the past two months that blogging is an outlet for me. A place to "dump" so to speak my emotions and thoughts so I'm not overwhelmed.

I have about eight separate things I could blog about right now.

So... I don't think I'll really blog about any of them.

I don't want to overwhelm anyone. :-)

The one thing I will share is that Dustin and I had a precious time praying together today.

There is nothing that unites us more as a couple than spending time talking to our Heavenly Father.

It took someone reminding us that this is the most important thing we could do.

Sad and funny that we even needed the reminding.

We should know better.

I've been praying on my own.

He has as well.

And occasionally we pray as a couple.

Today we purposed to do this together far more often.

With all the tough decisions we have coming up we need all the wisdom we can possibly get. And who better to get it from than the One who knows all the answers. :-)

St. Louis

Dr. Simon Yu, M.D.

I first heard about him maybe a year ago.

I went to him for the first time about eight months ago.

He uses both conventional, and unconventional medicine.

Definitely less invasive.

I will admit, I lean towards Doctors that are like that.

Believe it or not, I'm giving conventional medicine an equal chance.

Dustin and I are opposite in this, as well.

He leans conventional.

I unconventional.

We balance each other out.

The problem is, every time I go to a conventional sight it scares me. The last one was Chemo Chicks, or something like that. One lady was talking about her "Chemo Brain." I guess Chemo is known for giving you short term memory loss that can happen at any random time. And it sounds like it is something you live with for the rest of your life. I could be wrong, though. I need to check that out more.

In all fairness, Dr. Yu has made me raise my eyebrows several times, as well.

Like when he told me I had an infection in a tooth two visits ago.

Not just any tooth, either.

A tooth that happens to relate to the lower lobes in my lungs.

Exactly where my tumor is.

He said that getting rid of the infection could help my lung heal.

I know, your eyebrows are raised, as well.

He mentioned pulling the tooth.

Pulling my tooth!?! You have got to be kidding. I've never had a problem with that tooth.

I left.

Didn't pull my tooth.

I hadn't had a problem with him before, but this? It was too far out for me.

It did make me go to the Orthodontist, though. Thinking that maybe my problem was in my bite after not wearing my retainer for 5 years.

I did have a bite problem, and do wear my retainer now.

So, I decided to try out Dr. Yu one more time.

No luck.

The pesky tooth still came up as my problem relating to my lung.

So.... I pulled it.

No, just kidding. :-)

I went and had a 3D CT scan done. I'm a doubting Thomas.

Dr. Yu told me a story about a woman who had severe lung problems. She refused, like me, to get her tooth pulled. After a year of being in and out of the hospital, then getting close to dying, she finally agreed to have it pulled. The Dentist informed Dr. Yu that the tooth had nothing wrong with it. Dr. Yu pointed out that she was dying so what could it hurt to pull it.

He pulled it.

Guess what? Massive infection underneath.

They cleaned it out and guess what else?

The lung cleared up.

I know, crazy, but I took the bait and had the CT scan done. I knew I would always wonder if I didn't.

What if????

Monday morning, just before we went into Mayo, Dr. Yu called me.

I held my breath, praying, in a crazy way that there would be an infection there.

There was.

I'll admit you could have pushed me over with a feather at this point.

I couldn't believe he had been right.

He was able to use the energies in my body to find an infection that he is 85% certain relates to my lung problem. He has never, ever, given me any percentages before this. He has refused, in fact, before this one.

We had already decided that if the CT scan checked out with what he was saying we would try that before anything else.

After all, even if the tooth has to be pulled, I would much rather do that than Chemo, or surgery, or whatever my other options will be.

For those of you who lean more towards the conventional, as my husband does, though even he was a little impressed by the tooth thing, don't worry.

We still have my appointment with my Oncologist. We are still very much listening to them.

And we are going to get the tooth taken care of a.s.a.p.

Infection in the mouth is bad, no matter what. I have heard several stories since then where people have pulled teeth and things really do clear up.

Crazy, but true.

So pray, the big choice right now is which Dentist to choose. One with years of experience, or an Oral Surgeon. I'm leaning towards the surgeon. That just has a comforting ring to it. :-) The problem is that they are both in St. Louis, and thus both not in our insurance range. Pray that possibly the insurance will cover it a little bit. These things tend to get expensive. :-) But... we know God will provide. He always has.

So.... that is my St. Louis story. A little hard to believe, and we still have our doubts, but we also have a little bit of hope, as well.

After all 3D Ct scans don't lie. :-)

This picture is just because they are so precious to me! It has nothing whatsoever to do with the Dr. in St Louis.

The weight of responsibility.

God has given me two precious treasures in my girls. They both are full of energy, perfectly healthy, sweet, and they love me.

That last one is a big one because there are a lot of days when I don't feel like a lovable mother, at all.

Sometimes I'm so tired that I let that make me less than sweet to my precious sweethearts.

Somedays I run out of energy just getting them breakfast and maybe, I stress maybe, dressing them. If you see odd outfits in pictures it is probably because Karis dressed herself and Gabi is still in her p.j.'s. :-)

Other times they open the fridge and get yogurt for themselves, or a bag of chips. Usually the chips are organic, so a little of the guilt that I just let my two and four year old eat them for lunch is appeased. Usually they throw in a banana that they got from the top of the fridge, or an apple from the drawer.

I'm beginning to understand how the little orphans in third world countries survive on their own. While I'd never want my own little buggers to have to experience it, I have to say they are very resourceful. They just might survive.

I wasn't blogging at the time, but right after Gabi was born I was back in our room feeding her.

Karis wandered out to the kitchen, just shy of two and a half years.

I figured I would be ok for just a minute more, just until I finished feeding Gabi.

On second thought, it was Karis.

In the minute or two it took to decide to follow my firstborn this happened.

She had climbed up on the kitchen counter.

Reached to the highest shelf.

Gotten a box of matches.

And somehow lit the match.

Her little mind never stops. Ever. And, if she ever finds herself alone in a third world country at least I know she can start a fire.

The matches got hidden in a high corner closet.

I'm still not sure they are safe.

You don't know my girls. :-)

But this is where the weight of responsibility comes in.

Karis has proven that she is quite bright. I know I'm her mother, but let me tell you a couple of stories and see if you agree.

Faith was watching her last week while we were at Mayo.

They were having a camping trip in the living room.

When it became pretend night during this camping trip they lay down to look at the stars.

Karis discovered all kinds of random animal shapes.

Faith pointed out Orion, the Big and Little dipper..

"Auntie Faith," Karis interrupted, "are you talking about constellations?"

"Umm....I am. Do you know what constellations are?"

"Why yes," answers my four old, "They are groups of stars that form shapes."

And there you go.

Another time we were having a discussion about the bee hive a friend has on my parents property.

Karis had questions, of course. One of them,

"Where do bee's store their honey?"

Faith took it upon herself to answer my inquisitive four year old.

"The bees store the honey in their hive which is in the box out behind the barn. They create a honey comb that has holes that are shaped like..." she pauses, looking for the right word to create a picture in my little ones head.

"Like a hexagon?" Karis pipes in.

We all paused, and then laughed. Where does she come up with all of this?

Like a hexagon, of course.

With her bright little mind, her desire to learn to read, play the violin, eat up anything that has to do with knowledge, the guilt kept creeping up. I couldn't keep on top of simple things like laundry and cleaning the bathroom, let alone teaching my little girl how to read and everything else. But her mind needed it badly.

My wonderful mother came to the rescue when she offered to have us come up there every afternoon around nap time.

Now this is how it works.

Gabi takes a nap.

I get to rest.

And

Karis learns to read. She has only had 19 lessons and just yesterday she read, "See the ram sit." I was so proud of her.

She is learning her bow hand for the violin, getting strong in saying and identifying her numbers, and starting to memorize Psalms 139. And the names and placement of all her states.

My mom just took a huge weight off my shoulders, and I will be forever grateful.
Then the girls get to have gym time. Karis gets the workout of her life down in the apartment part of my parents basement. I'm telling you, this girl will never, ever be fat.
I was commanded by Gabi to take this picture. She is trying to keep up with her older sister, but she needs to stretch out a few more inches before it is possible.

Look at those baby blues. And no, that is not my stomach sticking out there. Sweat shirts do bunch at the most awkward times.

BLOGGING

My friend, Jess, at jessrivers.blogspot.com, told me I should start blogging over a year ago.

I thought she was crazy.

I have a facebook.

I even have a twitter account.

I don't ever update my status.

Why?

Because that means everyone knows what you are doing and thinking.

For a private person who doesn't share thoughts easily, that is scary.

As my friend Teresa pointed out yesterday at brazilbairs.com, I'm quiet. :-)

But I do surround myself with people who love to talk, so it works out very nicely, as I love to listen.

I do worry sometimes that I am a little boring to be around. (Not that my friends make me feel this way, at all. It is just a secret fear.)

After all, a person who doesn't say that much can't be that entertaining.

And I will admit that it is harder to get to know the real me, unless you are around me a lot.

Somehow God has blessed me with a few super close friends, in spite of this quality in me.

I also have a husband who apparently adores me. :-)

And, I will admit, on occasion I can be a chatterbox, you just have to catch me at the right moment.

Also, rather ironically, I do teach a highschool Speech class. My students that have gone on to Speech in college assure me they learned everything they needed to. I guess I can talk a lot when needed. :-)

But, one thing I do love, and can do a lot of, is to write.

I even took a Children's literature college class just for the fun of it. Two of them, actually.

So I'm telling Jess that she was right! I love blogging. It's quite addicting, and it helps me remember so many things I would otherwise forget.

A company will print it out at anytime for you in a nifty little book. Pictures and all. I look at it as one of the best gifts I could give my girls. Memories of their childhood.

What didn't quite connect with me was the fact that blogging is way more personal than tweeting or facebook.

If you can't already tell, technology isn't my thing, a continual frustration to my husband. :-) It didn't really don on me that people would read it.

People get to see inside my head.

And that is a little scary for someone like me.

Someone, who when asked, would probably still say, in spite of everything currently going on in my life, that everything is o.k. We will be fine.

That is, in a way, true, but so much more is going on.

Stuff that I am willing to blog about, but in the relative safety of not that many readers.

That is why I haven't had my blog updates streamed to facebook, etc.

Lots of readers make me a little uncomfortable, ok, a lot uncomfortable.

Unbeknownst to me, my husband, who is the opposite of me in about every way, did post my blog on facebook.

You know what I discovered?

Yes, I felt a little bit vulnerable, walking into a place and having someone ask me how I am doing, and knowing everything I have written.

But...something I didn't expect is that I have felt so blessed.

Blessed that people care enough to check out what is going on in our lives.

Blessed that people out there are praying for us as we face all the decisions we have to face.

Blessed that people take the time to tell us we are in their thoughts.

And blessed to know that we aren't going through this alone.

So... well sharing some of my innermost thoughts to a rather larger group (larger for me is anything over 20) than I am used to takes some adjusting on my part, I am grateful.

Grateful that God has given me this outlet. And I will just keep on blogging as I have been. Knowing that people are reading because they love us and want to know what is going on.

If you meet me face to face I probably won't share all that you read here, but at least you will know what is going on in my heart, and that we truly do appreciate your care and concern, and especially those prayers.

Thank you!

The mind of a four year old

My mom gave me some cd's called Bible reading with Uncle Rick.

While we were up at Mayo she started playing them as Karis fell asleep, and I continued the tradition here.

Tonight I had tucked her in and turned the cd on, only to be called back a few minutes later.

"Mommy," Karis says, eyes huge, "Did you know that God is bigger than the sky?"

I smiled, this isn't what I was expecting to be called in for.

"Does God have legs mom, if He is so big?"

"Umm.... He can if He wants to."

This didn't quite satisfy her.

"You mean He only has a face and arms?"

While I searched for an answer she came up with the solution.

"I'm going to tell Him to grow some legs."

So there you have it, problem solved.

I chuckled as I headed back to my room and my heart rejoiced.

It is wonderful to know that my little one is going to bed thinking about the bigness of God.

And I also praised God for my mother who finds wonderful treasures like "Uncle Rick."

Mixed emotions

I've sat down to write this several different times.

Each time my mood has varied.

Encouraged.

Depressed.

I can beat this!

I just want to curl up and let me know when it is all over.

Denial.

Reality.

This morning these words describe it best.

"When peace like a river attends my soul,

When sorrows like sea billows roll.

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul."

And it is. God is faithful. Even when I have to write the next words.

I have cancer.

I knew that a month ago, but these last tests somehow make it more real.

Wednesday night I was brushing my teeth and glanced in the mirror.

I looked at my face, a face I've seen in the mirror for almost 32 years, now.

And I said it.

Yes, with a toothbrush in my mouth. :-)

I told myself that I had cancer.

And then I let myself cry.

There have been several times I have broken down, just thinking about the battle ahead. The decisions we have to make.

I may go into detail about our Mayo visit at a later date, but the basics are this.

The tumor in my lung is unchanged after two years. This, in itself is a good thing, I guess. At least it isn't growing at alarming rates.

I have small (largest spot is 8mil.) spots in my liver. Without being 100% sure they are saying it is probably carcinoid, as well. Unfortunately the fact that there are several small ones and not one large one make surgery to remover them in lung or liver not an option.

Enter the land of Chemo.

The good news is that my blood work, my hormone level, and the rest of my body is in excellent shape.

Why is this good?

It buys us some time to figure out what we are going to do.

Pray for us.

We have an appointment with an Oncologist on March 1st at Mayo.

I made an appointment with a nutritionist to help regulate my diet. I know how important that is when cancer is in the picture.

And the Doctor in St. Louis is a whole 'nother story. One I will be telling soon. And one that makes decisions just that much harder.

"The sovereignty of God is the pillow on which the believer rests his head."

~Spurgeon~

Believe me, that pillow is getting a huge work out from me. :-)

And today I can truly say,

"It is well with my soul."

Grateful

I am thoroughly tired of tests.

Hospital gowns are very unflattering and skimpy.

Three i.v.'s in two days is the most I've ever had.

I don't like them.

I don't like having to carry around a huge container for a urine test.

Ugg... and feels so unsanitary.

And I dislike waiting hours for something else to happen.

But you know what?

I've learned from watching all the other people around me that I'm actually doing very well.

There are people who never leave a wheel chair.

People who are mising one limb or the other.

People with bandages around their head.

People pushing their sick little babies, who must be so sick if they are here.

That would be so much worse, to be bringing your baby here.

So I'm grateful.

Grateful that at the moment all I'm having done are tests.

What I have really might not be that bad.

Like my colonoscopy.

It was a breeze.

Cept for that horrible stuff I drank, but more on that later. :-)

The good news? My colon couldn't be better.

Not that you really wanted to know that. :-)

Not a speck of cancer in it.

Now if I can just get my liver to cooperate....

Hopefully my doctors won't keep me in suspense for very long.

Thanks for all the contined prayers!

I should have realized:-)

My husband wouldn't leave home for three days without all his techy stuff. :-) So... I'll be able to do little updates, it looks like. Pictures will have to wait.

I can feel your prayers, it is going so well.

So far all I've done is get my blood drawn, but I do appreciate that they are so good at it here. There is nothing worse than someone who doesn't do it well. :-)

Even my hunger isn't so bad. Though the mention of chocolate chip cookie dough made me drool a little. That was a great idea!

Mainly I wanted to post to say thank you so much for praying! I don't feel as if it is just the two of us going through these tests, it is a whole big caring family! We are so blessed.

And... we are having fun! Dustin can always make me laugh, no matter what, and really, you can look at Mayo as an all expense paid vacation. :-)

Quotes that perked me up today. :-)

"When a situation comes that cuts your feet out from under you,

you don't throw up your arms and panic.

You don't give up.

Instead you say,

'Lord, this is Your moment. This is where You take charge.'"

"Refuse to let your situation determine your attitude."

I woke up noticing my pain today. Those are never my favorite days.

And I knew I had to pack all of us up for our visit.

God knew I needed the above quotes.

Today is His moment.

On my own I may get through it.

But on my own I wouldn't have an attitude that glorifies Him.

Only if I let Him take charge will my attitude be one of rejoicing.

Rejoicing that I have a God who cares about my days and won't let me go through the tough stuff alone. And the good news? My pain is going away!

Now my stomach is just hungry! :-)

It's only 12:00 and already everything in the fridge looks edible.

And there are some not so very edible things in my fridge. :-)

Happy Valentines Day!

Since it is a day all about love, I thought I'd put this sweet little pic up.

Gabi adores her cousin Kalvyn.

I'll admit, I'm getting the baby itch again.

I know that is going to have to wait until my health is taken care of, but it doesn't mean I can't drool a little bit. :-) So precious.

Dustin and I haven't been good about getting pictures of each other or I'd put one up of my sweetie. I'm not sure I really knew the depth of His love until I got this tumor.

I know when I said my vows, the "in sickness and in health" didn't really register. Life is just starting out, you have stars in your eyes, and then reality hits. Our reality has been my health and the inconvenience it causes. Now I know for sure he meant those vows. Not that I doubted him in the first place. :-) It's nice to know that he is there for me to depend on no matter what. Thank you, babe! That is the best Valentines Day gift I could ever get!

As for those pictures I was talking about...

maybe we will get some of the two of us on our three day vacation.

To Mayo, that is.

God is really having to give me grace today.

It's Valentines Day.

I'm fasting because I have a colonoscopy tomorrow.

Instead of a romantic date, I will be drinking guck tonight.

I'm not sure how guck will settle on an empty stomach.

Guess I'll see.

Plenty have gone before me and have survived.

The race we are running isn't an easy one. Today is one of those that make me cling even harder to my Savior. I want it all to go away, but...

"As for God, His way is perfect."

"Rejoice always" Even when you don't get to eat and have to drink Guck on Valentines Day. :-)

Verses have so many new meanings to me these days. :-)

Thank you so much for your prayers. As you can see, I still very much need them.

I may not be able to update this over the next few days, but I will when I get home.

Pray for endurance on both of our parts. It's a fairly heavy load of tests over the next few days. I want to be a good testimony to those I'm around, and sometimes when I am in pain it is easy to get the "Woe is me" attitude.

We also want some answers, so pray these tests enlighten the Doctors.

And pray that Dustin and I continue to grow closer through this both to each other and to our Lord. We know the fact that we are traveling this road isn't a mistake.

The unexpected!

Isn't God good to provide the unexpected in our days?

I love that about Him.

He could have made it so that everyday was the same.

I don't need a lot of variation in my life.

Once I decorate something in a way I like it I'm pretty content for the next five or so years. Maybe more if I really like it. :-)

And my hair, well, it will probably be the style I have it for the rest of my life. I wonder how it will look grey and curly?? Might have to dye it for a bit.

I still have the same jeans I had, well I wish I could say in high school, but I have to be honest. Since I went to Europe and gained a few pounds, and after baby # 1 and lost a few pounds. As long as they fit I'm gonna keep them. :-)

But I do like my days shaken up a bit.

Today I was tired after my couple days in St. Louis. I wish I had something to share from that visit, but I don't know anything yet, so it will have to wait.

The waiting tires you out, too, as I'm discovering. But what I'm waiting on, if it pans out, could be really exciting, so that makes it even more nerve-racking. See, now you will have to keep reading my blog to find out what it is. :-)

So, the unexpected was a blessing today.

This wasn't unexpected, really, but Karis got the urge to clean those corners and holes in the floor again.

"Dust Bunnies, I dare you to live in our house!"

These lovely cards came in the mail yesterday, but since we didn't get home until late last night, we enjoyed them this morning. Gabi enjoyed every moment of her struggle to open her cards. And Karis was quite excited about the gift card from Grandpa Jim and Grandma Linda(as am I, shopping here I come), as well as the special card (carried around until lost) from Grandma Karen. Very special great-grandparents.

Gabi opened another card for me that I thought was from one of the grandparents. I flipped opened the inside and my mouth fell open in shock. The message definitely wasn't one I was expecting from one of them. I checked the signature and laughed. It was from Jess, and something we would totally send each other. I've grinned everytime I've seen it today, but I'm sorry, once again you will have to be in suspense. If you really want to know what it says you can call!

This special little treat came by way of personal delivery. I looked out my window to see Teresa's mom walking towards our house.

Very unexpected, but very welcome. Karis calls her "grandma" so you know she is dear to our hearts. She had a big hug for me, sweet words of comfort for my colonoscopy that I will be having, (those are welcome and keep them coming) an offer for help anytime I need it,(also welcome) and a package from her daughter. I, of course, dug in as soon as the door closed, expecting something that Teresa had told her to buy for me. It wasn't. It was a personal card, some genuine Brazilian flip flops that are super comfortable and have already been worn around the house, and some cookies for her little princesses. Ah... the tears came. God has blessed me with such precious friends. Even from afar they can bring smiles, tears, and blessings to my day

Here they are making short work of those cookies. They were a hit.

Couldn't you just eat her up? Never mind the cookie. Her blond curls are my undoing. I think she could burn down the house and I would just cuddle her close and drink in those precious curls with their still baby softness and edible smell. Yummy!

So, thank you God for the unexpected in my day today. Once again you have above and beyond met every need before I even knew it was there.