Monday, May 30, 2011

I can't back out

It's set in stone.

The die is cast.

I'm going to face my infamous tooth.

Tomorrow a friend from church is going up with me to WI to see the dentist who will tell me my fate.

Will the tooth/teeth be pulled?

What will be found underneath?

I'm not as much afraid for the pulling part as I am for the fact that it might not help at all.

"Wits End Corner" comes to mind again.

We are trying the tooth because everything else seems to be not helping.

I know there is an infection there, it's just the fact that it may not be the cause of my problem.

Would you pray?

Pray hard?

Pray hard that the dentist will know exactly what to do, that it will go smoothly, that it won't be painful?

My appointment is at 7:30 am on Wednesday.

I won't be able to update you until I get home, and I'm not positive when that will be, but I'll try to take some pictures.

Since I've never had my Wisdom teeth pulled I really have nothing to go on, and anything new is a little scary.

Also, that long of a car ride can be hard on me.

I know this, though. God has made it very obvious in various ways that this is what I'm supposed to do.

Since He has done that, I know that He will get me through it.

I love you all! Thanks for walking through this journey with me.

Friday, May 27, 2011


Yesterday was one of those days for me where if I even thought about my life I would cry.

God challenged me that morning when I read "Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this." Ps. 27:5

The literal meaning of that verse is "Roll your way onto Jehovah and trust upon Him, and He works."

I knew He was telling me to Roll my fear and pain and burdens onto Him.

I did.

Many times.

I would mentally push them onto His very capable shoulders.

But then later I would take them back.

I'd think about how nothing seems to be really helping, as far as I can tell.

Then I'd think about how this next Wednesday I have and appointment in WI to look at the infamous tooth.

What if this is the answer?

Will getting it fixed or looked at help?

What if it does nothing?

Then where do we turn?

How are we going to pay for all this dental work?

That has been a question I've wondered since I've heard about my tooth. Dental work is expensive.

Then I'd roll it back onto His shoulders - for the hundredth time.

He is so patient.

And so faithful in encouraging me.

A friend of mine called yesterday and said my nurse practitioner/ midwife has been burdened for me and wondered if it would be OK to contact me.

I gave the OK and shortly afterwards got an email to which I replied right away that I would love to see her and gave a few small details of my life at the moment.

She immediately replied with something I could take for my nausea and is coming to see me on Saturday.

I am so encouraged. This woman is a wealth of knowledge about so very many things and I need a fresh perspective on both medical and natural. Something I know she can supply and will be honest with me.

God knew I needed it.

Then... yesterday my grandma asked me if I had gotten anything in the mail.

As I hadn't, she told me I would be getting a surprise tomorrow.

Thankfully our mail comes early, so as soon as I heard him on our porch I sent Karis out to get it.

My great aunt had sent a very sweet card, but what brought on the tears was the substantial check that fell out of it.

The gift was totally unexpected. She told my grandma that God had been laying me on her heart for the past few days and she felt she needed to do this.

I was overwhelmed. Through them, God had taken care of all my worries about how to pay for the dentist and we thank them from the bottom of our hearts.

Our church family has been so generous as well. Last Sunday my dad was helping direct parking at our church. On our way in, he handed me a visa gift card that someone who wanted to remain unknown had handed him. Once again we were blown away by whoever it was, and their generosity.

God is moving in His own mysterious ways.

They aren't mine.

I'm sure I'm going to be rolling burdens over to him always, but I am so grateful for how He is providing for our needs.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

On Monday I pulled a muscle somewhere in my right rib cage.

Since my right shoulder is the one giving me difficulty, this made for a pretty painful situation.

I lay in bed feeling pretty sorry for myself.

Ok, very sorry for myself.

I knew the Rapture wouldn't happen on the 21st because the Bible says you won't know the day or the hour, but right then I really wished he(forget his name)had been right.

Heaven and no pain sounded like a dream come true.

I decided to read out of Streams in the Desert for a bit of encouragement. I needed to do something because even crying hurt my muscles.

And then that made me feel sorry for myself.

What good was having a pity party when you couldn't even cry about it? :-)

This was the verse God gave me.

"They were at their wits' end. Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress." Psalm 107: 27-28

That's where I was at. My wits' end.

A pulled muscle, growths in Lung and Liver, shoulder pain, painful little systs that won't go away, doctors who don't know how to treat me, and now I couldn't even cry about it, because that hurts, too.

I'm just sharing the above so you can get a bit of a picture of how precious this poem was to me when I read it.

Are you standing at "Wits' End Corner,"
Christian with troubled brow?
Are you thinking of what is before you,
And all you are bearing now?
Does the world seem against you,
And you in the battle alone?
Remember---- at Wit's End Corner"
Is just where God's power is shown.

Are you standing at "Wits' End Corner,"
Blinded with wearing pain,
Feeling you cannot endure it,
You cannot bear the strain,
Bruised through the constant suffering,
Dizzy, and dazed, and numb?
Remember---- at "Wits' End Corner"
Is where Jesus loves to come.

Are you standing at "Wits' End Corner"?
Your work before you spread,
All lying begun, unfinished,
And pressing on hear and head,
Longing for strength to do it,
Stretching out trembling hands?
Remember---- at "Wits' End Corner"
The Burden-bearer stands.

Are you standing at "Wits' End Corner"?
Then you're just in the very spot
To learn the wondrous resources
Of Him who fails you not:
No doubt to a brighter pathway
Your footsteps will soon be moved,
But only at "Wits' End Corner"
Is the "God who is able" proved.

Antoinette Wilson

Then I cried, even though it hurt.

I was there.

At Wits' End Corner.

And God was there.

He continues to show me over and over again.

Last night some ladies from a care group at our church brought some freezer meals.

They mentioned they wanted to pray with me, also, something I was excited about.

I didn't know how many to expect and was overwhelmed when about eight ladies came through my door.

These eight ladies took time out of their lives to make a meal for us.

To come pray for me.

To pray for me in their spare time.

Over and over again I hear people telling me - often people I don't even know - how they pray for me every night.

That is so humbling. Have I ever prayed for someone I don't know every night?

In the times I want to give up God always reminds me that not only is He at "Wits' End Corner" with me, my brothers and sisters in Christ are there, too.

You - all of you who are praying - have no idea how much you minister to me.

My muscles are feeling much better, by the way, and I am still in fighting mode!


Friday, May 20, 2011

I wasn't sure what I was going to write about today...

Or if I would even write.

It's been one of those days.

Rainy - which I love, but it does put one in a reflective mood.

At least me.

I'm trying so very hard to not look at what I can't do, but what I can and be grateful for that.

Today I sent my girls out the door - and they were getting a little wild, so I'll admit I was ready to let them run at Grandma's house - with instructions for them to stop at the store and find a present for a party Karis was going to.

The very first friends birthday party she had been invited to.

She was beside herself with excitement.

I wanted so badly to be the one to buy the gift with her.

To wrap it and drop her off at the party.

But I just don't feel up to it.

Self pity came knocking and I had to do a bit of praying and crying before I could look at the positives of having a wonderful sister who would do all that for me so Karis could enjoy her day.

That place was eventually arrived at, but I'd be lying if I said it was easy and that a few tears don't still occasionally slip out.

One more thing... could you pray for a friend of mine? I just read minutes ago that her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer.

That news would always make me sad before, but now I know... I know just how hard all of this is hitting them and how hard the journey will be.

Pray that they will feel God holding them close through all of this.

My cry is that God will heal her, and her grandbabies will be able to enjoy their grandma for a very long time!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

My encouragement

Hear my Prayer oh Lord, give ear to my cries for mercy.

Answer me quickly, Oh LORD! My spirit fails! Hide not your face from me.

Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust.

Deliver me from my enemies, O LORD! I have fled to you for refuge!

For your name's sake, O LORD, preserve my life!

In your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble!

And in your steadfast love you will cut off my enemies, and you will destroy all the adversaries of my soul, for I am your servant.

Excerpts from Psalms 143

I read these verses as my prayer for today, for tomorrow, for my life.

What are my enemies? I'd like to think they are the cancer, or whatever disease my body is being attacked by. Those are the ones I want to be cut off.

But they could just as likely be my own selfish attitude.

My impatience.


The anger that comes out at still being sick and unable to beat it.

My prayer is for His will to be done and for me to be ok with it. I want the enemies, no matter what they are exactly, to be gone!

No matter what you are facing, remember that He is listening. His answer just may not be quite what we are hoping for. However..... His way is perfect, always remind yourself of that!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

New Favorite Girl's Night Activity!

So.... they liked my story, but I think our second activity was the favorite.

Can you guess what we are doing here?

It all started when I decided not to get my nails done professionally.

I was like, "If I can't get my nails done, I'll just get a tattoo!"

Noelle and I laughed when I said it, but it got us thinking.

Why not a Henna tat?

It is natural and only lasts 4-6 weeks.

So... we ordered a kit and impatiently waited for it to come.

And what was the first thing I got put on my body?
Why this, of course! :-) The idea is you put the die on, leave it on for 12 hours, then wipe the top part off with the die underneath. Dustin got a big kick out of this one!

Faith's choice.

The scary thing is, each of us thought after the event that it might be fun to get a real one. :-)

Who knows.....

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

I've come to the conclusion that in order for me to write I need a motivator. What I wrote of our book on a piece of scrap paper promptly got lost, or put in a pile nevermore to be found.

While I was in Chicago last week one of the goals was to find the right notebook. Rae and I made it to the right aisle, but I promptly got distracted by that little orange journal in the picture. Orange is one of my favorite colors, I'm a sucker for leather covers, and daisies are my favorite flower. It was me, and it found it's way into my cart.

Rae remembered the purpose of the visit and found a very earthy notebook for my inspiration. It has served it's purpose as 2/3 of the book is hopefully written. I have till Saturday. Noelle wants it done so she can get the pictures started. Slave driver!

Seriously though. I left the notebook on my bed, and when I woke up at five I kept thinking about the book. Lines were going through my head, and I knew that I had to get up and write or I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it. So I did. Three pages worth.

We will see what Elle thinks of it tonight. She and Faith are coming over to do something that I am very excited about. I'll post about it later. Maybe tomorrow.

I've loved my journal to record what God has been teaching me. There are some things so personal I can't post it on the blog, but mainly it has been to rest in Him.

That seems so basic, so simple.

For me, it isn't.

I want to be able to do.

I want to do something about what is going on in my body. It kills me that nothing seems to be helping. AUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!

But that is where God has me.

I have no choice but to rest and trust in Him.

When I panic, which is more often than I would like, Dustin reminds me of where my foundation needs to be.

I need to be building it on the Solid Rock. When all the scary thoughts of the doctors not knowing anything, or what should I do next come chasing me down, I need to be able to turn to Him.

Putting my trust in doctors right now is like shifting sand. That hope can get washed away pretty quickly.

It's a hard lesson to be learning, though, I'll be honest.

Thank you for helping me through this battle with your continued prayers. Just knowing they are out there gets me through a lot of moments.

As you may have guessed, there is nothing really new on the health front. Just going day by day. Looking and searching for new things.

Praying for God's directions and strength.

This morning when I woke up I heard little people moving around in the other room.

I listened for a bit.

Doors opened and closed.


I love the giggles.

Finally I pulled myself out of bed to investigate.

Karis wasn't in her room.

Gabi's door was closed, which meant my munchkins were probably up to something in there.

Usually I find a huge mess behind closed doors, so I braced myself.
No huge messes. Just sisters enjoying an early morning snuggle. I love them so much.

God knew what He was up to when He gave me these little blessings.
It matters not how the battle goes,
The day how long;
Faint not! Fight on!
Tomorrow comes the song."

That is my new slogan. My battle isn't going to be a short one, but I won't faint! I want to fight on!

Sorry, that's a little random, but I just read that and wanted to share it. :-)

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Flowers and such....

See that flower pot? That pot has been sitting on our front porch for the last two years, maybe three.


Well.... empty except for rain water, the rocks that the girls put in. Leaf soup that they create, and ooey, gooey, something or other until I dump it out.

In short, a disgrace, and a reminder that I wanted to plant flowers in it someday but never got around to it.

Grandma Robin came to the rescue and delighted my munchkins by going and picking out flowers to fill it.
They took turns digging little pits in the dirt and planting a rainbow of color. Now, if we remember to water it every day my dream should come true this year.

A pot of beautiful flowers.

Thank you Grandma Robin!
Who wouldn't have a wonderful Mother's Day with these two precious daughters.

They picked out my favorite flowers, and Dustin's card brought tears.
Since I still have a fuzzy camera for some reason (What happened to point and click?) I'll tell you that in that box is a speaker for an iPhone or a iPod. I am so excited because this will allow me to listen to a ton more music, sermons, and such. Perfect gift.
Karis is trying out her skills.
Karis adores Amy, Uncle Dave's girlfriend. The rest of us adore her, too!
The best mom in the whole world! Love this woman more everyday!
The girls surprised us with a song. I loved listening, but tears came in spite of myself. It was a song we have played many times together and it was hard just to watch. Right now I can't play even if I wanted to. Most of the time I don't mind, but today I watched my sisters and prayed that soon I would be able to join them again.
This little girl might just turn into a drummer. She did a pretty decent job keeping the beat for her first time.

After playing several songs she rubbed her arms and informed us that she would be "So sore tomorrow from playing." Poor dear. :-)
Gabi, not to be left out of anything, rocks out on the jingle bells with her sister.

Today, along with all the other special gifts, I realized that I could sing with everyone else. I didn't push it in church because I still occasionally cough, but I sang with my family and didn't cough once.

I have no idea what this means, if anything at all, but it was such a blessing to praise the Lord through song. It has been a long, long time.

My last post was a little dreary, I realize. The past few days have been an encouragement for me. God has been sufficient as He has promised.

I've been able to eat and put back on the weight. Please pray it keeps up. I always get to this point and then lose it all again. This time I want to keep it and add more. :-)

I'm headed back to Chicago with my sisters.

We are going to see if a couple of visits closer together help or not.

Pray for my mom and Dustin as they have the girls while I'm gone.

Pray that we will find something that helps me. Something is out there somewhere.

I'm also hoping to get the rough draft of our book done. Noelle is itching to get some painting going so I have to get my bum in gear. :-) She is a good motivator for me. I need it!

Have a great week. I'll try to write more during that time, but if I don't, don't worry about me. (Teresa:-)


Thursday, May 5, 2011

Low moments

I will admit to some low moments the last few weeks.

Lower than usual.

I never question that God is out there, I just question if He is really listening.

Yesterday I was particularly so.

This is the first time I can honestly say I have no where to turn but to God.

The medical field has no answers.

I'm continuing my trips to Chicago, and while they make me feel better, I'm still sick.

We are looking other places, but you began to doubt that you will ever find answers.

Yesterday I let all my doubts, fear, and insecurities take over.

Dustin heard a bitter rant and rave.

Did God really hear me?

Where was the wisdom He promised if we cried out to Him?

Why this lingering on and on and on and on of being sick and relatively helpless?

Why doesn't He either heal me or take me to heaven?

With me being in this state I'm such an inconvenience to others - I feel like I take, take, take...

I heard the bitterness edging everything I was saying.

I heard me.... little puny me questioning my creator. His wisdom. His even hearing my prayers.

I hated what I heard.

Gently, as always, God brought me to my knees. (not literally in this case as I was in the car:-)

There wasn't any flash of wisdom or instant healing. Just a pouring out of myself to Him.

Confessing my doubt that He has my best in mind.

Realizing that He has knows in every intimate detail what is going on in my life.

Surrendering myself yet again (a daily thing for me) to whatever His plan is.

I'm scared - I'll admit.

Having something that nobody knows anything about is a bit disconcerting.

God does, though, and He reminded me through all of you that He does indeed hear the prayers that are going up for me.

Here are just some of the ways.

I received flowers three times yesterday.

An aunt made a beautiful bouquet with lights that she gave us along with a yummy lunch on our way home.

A friend sent me a flower picture that made my day.

Another brought fresh cut flowers from her garden.

A reminder that one of my friends little boys prays for me every night before supper.

I received a letter in the mail from a precious friend/previous camper at Box T about how much my life had meant to her.

She has no idea how much that meant to me right then. God knew I needed to be reminded that my life mattered and He did it through her, as well as reminding me that "My grace is sufficient, my strength is made perfect in weakness."

That verse has never meant more to me than now. I love the last part. "Most gladly therefore will I glory in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Cor. 12:9

I can glory in infirmities like never before. I'm looking forward to seeing His power!

So.... yes, times are a bit tough.

We are looking for answers and realizing that maybe they will never come.

Maybe they will.

One thing I know for sure. God knows the number of all our days. He knows the plans He has for me.

I can rest in that.

And tomorrow I will need to remind myself of that yet again. :-)

I am humbled and blessed by your continued prayers on my behalf.