I feel like my girls are in some ways growing up without me.
Friday, October 29, 2010
I feel like my girls are in some ways growing up without me.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Dustin and I were going to head downtown today, but as we were coming out of Trader Joe's I nearly got blown away.
We scratched our plans in favor of a good old fashioned dinner and a movie. I'm kind of excited. :-)
Now, if I can just get him to go see a chick flick my night will be complete.
The two visits I've had with my doctor so far have been good. I've gotten some tight muscles loosened up and some changes in my supplements and herbs.
I wish I had some mind blowing news for you, but I don't. My body seems to be responding a bit to the new stuff I'm taking, and that is good. However, it's a waiting game.
Your continued prayers are coveted. I'm hoping it is attacking the tumors and we can start getting rid of this nasty cancer!
I will post more later, but until then I'm going to go and enjoy my movie!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Typical of me, I lost the journal that it is written in. Since it is something I know I'll forget all the details of eventually, I thought I'd celebrate her birthday by writing it down here.
If you don't like baby stories, you can skip reading this and wait for the next post. :-)
Karis was born at the hospital, fairly quickly, as first labors go. Unfortunately two and a half hours of the seven hour labor was pushing. Pushing that didn't get anywhere and eventually required the visit of the anesthesiologist and a forceps delivery. I'm not against the drugs,(I told my anesthesiologist that he was my favorite person in the whole world, at that point) I was just disappointed I'd made it all the way to the end without being able to push the baby out.
Since it wasn't the size of the baby, the shape of the birth canal, or any other factor, I wanted to try not pushing for two and a half hours with my second one. We decided the best chance for that was a nurse practitioner/midwife I had heard about.
I loved my pre-care.
The appointments were always an hour long and I felt so much more educated with my second one.
One thing they couldn't accomplish was making me go early.
Apparently I cook them super slow. Karis was eight days late and 7pounds 6 oz.
With number 2 I started having contractions about three days after my due date. They were about five minutes apart and a little bit painful. My midwife was actually on her way past our house when I called so she stopped by and checked things out.
A little over a week later I had some more contractions. They grew steadily during the day, but it wasn't until around midnight that I thought I might be in real labor. I was a tad gun shy because of getting it wrong a week earlier.
By 2 a.m. they were getting painful.
I got Dustin up, called my midwife, then we met her at the center.
She checked again.
I was a disappointing very tight three.
She informed me that it would probably be at least another ten hours before we progressed to the point of giving birth.
She gave us the option of staying there, but Dustin wouldn't sleep well and I figured if it was going to be that long I might as well be at home.
Her instructions were to drink a little wine to calm me and take some Tylenol to help with the pain.
I hide pain quite well, so she really had no idea how much the contractions were hurting.
We didn't have any wine at home and by this time all the bars and places that would sell it were closed. I settled for the Tylenol and had two with some toast at home, trying to read a book to distract me from the ten long hours ahead.
I sent a reluctant Dustin to bed. When in pain I really do like to be alone. I deal with it much better when I can pace and moan and groan by myself.
Don't talk to me.
Don't touch me.
Just stay away.
After the Tylenol I felt a little queasy - not unusual after I take pain meds.
I tried a hot bath and drinking lots of water.
When none of those helped I knew this baby was finally coming.
Since people were sleeping upstairs, I moved to our basement where I could pace without waking anyone.
Looking back, there were signs that I should probably high tail it back to the center, but by that time I was in so much pain all I could think of was surviving the next contraction and the fact that I have ten more hours of this.
TEN MORE HOURS!
I'm not a screamer. Most of my pain is dealt with in silence. I did tell God under my breath that there was no way I could survive that many hours in this kind of pain.
I also came super close to waking up Dustin, changing our birth plan, and going to the hospital for that epidural.
Somewhere in the haze my foggy, pain filled brain, grasped the fact that I wasn't getting much of a break in between contractions.
In fact, they were pretty much on top of each other.
All of a sudden I felt an urge to go to the bathroom.
Once there I realized I wasn't just feeling the urge to go to the bathroom, it was to push, and then I realized I was pushing.
Wait, this wasn't the ten hours she predicted. I still had seven and a half to go!
I called her in a panic. She told me to get down there now.
Dustin was harder to get moving.
I woke him up, explained that I was pushing.
"Are you sure this time?" He asked, not quite awake.
Was I sure? Hello! Everything in me was trying not to push this kid out right in the living room.
I continued my pacing around our car, poking my head in to see what was taking so long and discovered him wandering around looking for a lost flip flop.
I informed him that he could go barefoot. I needed to get there. Now.
As we drove down our road he looked at me and said, "Now I know it's hard, but try to stay calm and don't push."
I can't remember if I said something or just gave him a withering look. Try not to push? That isn't even an option when you are as far along as I apparently was.
I looked at the speedometer. Was he seriously going the speed limit now? Of all times? He always goes at least five over.
"Come on, faster, faster.... I'm going to have this baby in the car if you don't hurry up."
"If we get pulled over it will take that much longer to explain. You'll have the baby in the car, anyway."
He had a point, but as we got off the freeway the pushes I was desperately trying to hold back were getting unwanted results.
I knew I felt the head crowning but was way too freaked out to check it myself. Still queen of denial. What you don't know for sure isn't happening. :-)
He stopped at a red light behind a car.
"Go around" I hissed. "I feel the head"
He wouldn't. It was a blind spot and we could have been hit.
At that point I didn't care.
He stopped at another red light.
I just glared at him.
When we finally pulled into the parking lot with the baby still intact, he just sat there, not moving.
I looked at him in disbelief. He was just going to sit there? What was his problem? I was the one with a head coming out of me.
"Don't just sit there!" I panted, "Go get the nurse and a wheel chair." I didn't think I could walk in my current state.
As soon as he opened the door the breeze seemed to revive him and he sprinted towards the building. At last!
The nurse had been watching for us and came to get me. She informed me there was no wheel chair and I had to walk.
It had to make quite the sight. Me waddling across the parking lot and her holding her hand between my legs in case the baby slipped out.
Seriously. I'm not kidding.
Somehow I made it into the building, up the elevator and to the bed. (praying all the while that this wouldn't be an elevator baby.)
By the time she whipped my sweats off and I sat down on the bed I had a baby on my chest.
Again, not kidding.
"Is that ours?"
The nurse just laughed as she pulled her gloves on (no time to do anything but catch the baby before) and asked him if he wanted to cut the cord. He is always opts out as he is a little squeamish about those kinds of things.
Official time of arrival 5:39 am, time of birth 5:40. The nurse thought maybe I should try a home birth next time. :-) It would be easier on everyone.
Dustin later informed me that he had just sat there because having to listen to me try not to push the whole way there had left him feeling a little faint, freaked out, and stunned. I think it might have been sympathy pains. :-)
Friday, October 15, 2010
It's like talking to my mom. You can't hide anything and they don't pull any punches.
I admited that I had gone on a few rabbit trails this summer - ok, maybe elephant trails - with my diet.
She didn't scold me.
On a side note here, do you ever grow out of the fear of a scolding?
I'm 32 and I can seriously tie up my stomach in knots just thinking about getting a scolding when I know I haven't done something I should have.
On another side note did you know that the reason you get butterflies in your stomach when you are nervous, or sick at the thought of facing something you don't want to is because your gut is pretty much a second brain in your body. It's fascinating and I may have to devote a post to it.
But for the moment my second brain seriously dislikes scoldings. :-)
Instead of a scolding this is what she said,
"Let's pretend that it is your five year old who has cancer. You have a list of things she needs to eat, do, and drink. Are you going to let your five year old skip the things she doesn't want to do?"
"Of course not!" I said as a light came on for me.
I had been really good at the diet for about two months. Then I skipped this and that, fudged here and there.
If it had been Karis or Gabi I wouldn't have given an inch.
Hello! They have cancer. They need to get better and if nutrition and alternatives are the only option, well, we would follow it to the letter.
I now have a new job. My job is to eat right. Eat everything I need to and nothing I don't.
Just eating doesn't sound like that tough of a job, but it is.
Garlic, four times a day, one tsp. each time. I haven't figured out how to do this yet because I also need to eat yogurt for the good bacteria and that bacteria dies when garlic is next to it.
I really don't blame it.
There is going to be nothing left alive around me with this garlic smell that seeps from my body. It is potent.
Poor Dustin. Kissing me is like kissing someone who has just walked out of the Olive Garden after consuming an entire bowl of salad and basket of bread sticks. Oh yum.
Good thing we are already married and he can't run. :-)
As for the fiber. Lest you feel too sorry for me, I am allowed to have a substitute for beans called Psyllium Husk. It isn't super fun to swallow mixed with water, but I've had worse. You do have to drink it right away or it turns into the consistancy of a super thick milkshake without the yummy milkshakey taste. But.... better than beans seven times a day!
And then the veggies, protein, and the supplements. This lotion, that oil, exercise. You need food with some, no food with others, and oh yeah, gain weight while you are at it.
And I have! Four pounds! So you don't have to pray so very hard for that now. :-)
What you can pray for is that I take this job seriously. I don't want to be a whiny, complaining little brat, but there are days I feel like being just that.
I walked around the kitchen last night as I was finishing up my "job" muttering to myself, "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks..."
I'll be honest, the hardest thing for me to give thanks for is smelling like a garlic clove. :-)
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Karis is thinking about all the fun she could have if this was in our backyard. Our neighbors windows are thanking us for saying "no."
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Corn in the fall is my favorite. It is pretty in the summer, but there is just something about corn stalks that are ready to harvest. They aren't left in the fields long enough in my opinion. :-)
Whoever would have though Dustin could be such a cute little girl?? Yes, Gabi is the spittin' image of her daddy.
Dadda Man (as the girls affectionately call him) is fortified by his morning brew for the days activities.
I look at this picture and can't believe that those girls are mine. They look so big! Gabi turns three this month, three!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
And let Me feel the pressure of thy care;
I know thy burden, child. I shaped it;
Poised it in Mine Own hand; made no proportion
In its weight to thine unaided strength,
For even as I laid it on, I said,
'I shall be near, and while she leans on Me,
This burden shall be Mine, not hers;
So shall I keep My child within the circling arms
To impose it on a shoulder which upholds
he government of worlds. Yet closer come:
Thou art not near enough. I would embrace thy
care; So I might feel My child reposing on My breast.
Thou lovest Me? I knew it. Doubt not then;
But Wing Me, lean hard."
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
I tried to be put pictures in here, but obviously I did it the wrong way and messed everything up. You will just have to imagine the Wicked Witch of the West in your mind. I'm sure you can do it.
Yesterday I was sure she had inhabited my body, Unfortunately, I think I'm going to have to label it my own sinful nature.
Do you ever have days you are thoroughly ashamed of yourself?
Somedays, and this is no holds barred honest, I'm just plain witchy.
That's something I don't want to share, but I also don't want you to get the wrong impression that I always have the perfect attitude, either.
Not even close.
You can hide so much from the outside world, and I don't want to mislead you by only sharing my victories and not struggles.
This is life.
My very imperfect life.
So, what prompted this post?
I'm going to have to say it started out with a set of keys.
The keys to the Honda I drive.
I had everything packed up and was looking for them - couldn't find them anywhere.
Then I remembered vaguely that Gabi had wandered back to the bedroom area with a jingle jangle of keys.
I told her not to lose them, but failed to get them from her.
Today I was paying for it.
I called them in and asked Gabi where they were.
She had no idea.
That was when I lost my temper.
I never knew I had a temper until I had kids.
I always thought I was fairly easy going. Sure stuff bugged me, but lose my temper and yell at my kid to find the blasted keys?
After frantically looking all over and making my kids miserable I dissolved into a puddle of tears on the floor.
What kind of an example was I?
They were keys.
It was at least half my fault I didn't grab them from her yesterday.
It didn't matter if we made it to my moms on time, or not.
My response to this problem was completely sinful and I begged their forgiveness.
Unfortunately this happens all too often.
Like later in the day.
I was calling to return a product I had bought.
This product, which I had carefully checked out, and talked to a lot of people who have used it successfully to get rid of the tumors that have been untreatable, was super expensive, but we figured it was worth it.
Especially since we could return it in a month, money back guarantee.
Or so we thought.
Today I called and it seems I was misinformed by the lady who told me about it.
You can only return the unopened product.
Unfortunately I have opened most of the really expensive stuff.
I was irritated.
Sure, it was again my fault for not reading their small print and trusting the lady, but still.
I was irritated.
So irritated I did something I've never done before.
I threw the phone across the kitchen and started crying.
As soon as the phone landed the hospital number came up on my cell phone.
I knew it was my doctor calling with my results.
I answered trying to control my tears.
This was probably the first time he had a patient cry before he had even said anything.
It was short and sweet, but the news was rather sour.
My liver has carcinoid just like my lung.
We are getting together and talking about options on Thursday.
I don't even know what options there will be, now that we know for sure it has spread.
I hung up with him and this time I didn't throw my phone, I called Dustin.
I told him the news about the product, telling him I was so sorry I wasted another several hundred dollars on a product that didn't work and that I had carcinoid in my liver.
Just what every husband wants to hear at work, right?A wife sobbing about wasted money and carcinoid.
You know what?
God gave me exactly what I needed.
Someone to remind me that it is only money, not to worry about it. Dustin didn't care. All that mattered was me.
God would somehow work out the liver and lung thing. It was no different than it had been a few hours ago and we would fight if with everything we had.
And he prayed with me.
Then my mom prayed with me after I told her the news.
After which I took a good hard look at myself.
I could blame my mood and tantrums on a lot of things.
My cancer, the meds I'm taking, which are affecting me, my lack of sleep, etc., but none of them are an excuse.
It's me, letting my sinful nature get the best of me.
Pastor preached in Colossians on sunday.
Verse 10 and 11 have haunted me ever since.
"so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowlege of God. May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience.
My problem is I keep trying to do it on my own, despite knowing better. I get lazy. Don't read the Word like i know I need to in order to walk worthy of Him and get that endurance and patience.
I'm sharing this with you because, one, confession is good for the soul and two, just in case some of you struggle with the wicked witch of the west personality on occasion, like I do, that you would allow God to drop a house down on it. :-)
I love your prayers for my cancer, keep them coming, but would you also pray for the inside, inside of me? The part that really matters? Cancer can only kill my body, my anger hurts my soul.
Sorry if there are a lot of mistakes in this post. Those pictures really messed up my typing. I can barely read it when it isn't actually posted on my blog.