Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Let's try this again.....

I tried to be put pictures in here, but obviously I did it the wrong way and messed everything up. You will just have to imagine the Wicked Witch of the West in your mind. I'm sure you can do it.

Yesterday I was sure she had inhabited my body, Unfortunately, I think I'm going to have to label it my own sinful nature.

Do you ever have days you are thoroughly ashamed of yourself?

Somedays, and this is no holds barred honest, I'm just plain witchy.

That's something I don't want to share, but I also don't want you to get the wrong impression that I always have the perfect attitude, either.

Not even close.

You can hide so much from the outside world, and I don't want to mislead you by only sharing my victories and not struggles.

This is life.

My very imperfect life.

So, what prompted this post?

I'm going to have to say it started out with a set of keys.

The keys to the Honda I drive.

I had everything packed up and was looking for them - couldn't find them anywhere.

Then I remembered vaguely that Gabi had wandered back to the bedroom area with a jingle jangle of keys.

I told her not to lose them, but failed to get them from her.

Today I was paying for it.

I called them in and asked Gabi where they were.

She had no idea.

That was when I lost my temper.

I never knew I had a temper until I had kids.

I always thought I was fairly easy going. Sure stuff bugged me, but lose my temper and yell at my kid to find the blasted keys?

No way!

Yes way....


After frantically looking all over and making my kids miserable I dissolved into a puddle of tears on the floor.

What kind of an example was I?

They were keys.

It was at least half my fault I didn't grab them from her yesterday.

It didn't matter if we made it to my moms on time, or not.

My response to this problem was completely sinful and I begged their forgiveness.

Unfortunately this happens all too often.

Like later in the day.

I was calling to return a product I had bought.

This product, which I had carefully checked out, and talked to a lot of people who have used it successfully to get rid of the tumors that have been untreatable, was super expensive, but we figured it was worth it.

Especially since we could return it in a month, money back guarantee.

Or so we thought.

Today I called and it seems I was misinformed by the lady who told me about it.

You can only return the unopened product.

Unfortunately I have opened most of the really expensive stuff.

I was irritated.

Sure, it was again my fault for not reading their small print and trusting the lady, but still.

I was irritated.

So irritated I did something I've never done before.

I threw the phone across the kitchen and started crying.

As soon as the phone landed the hospital number came up on my cell phone.

I knew it was my doctor calling with my results.

Of course.

I answered trying to control my tears.

This was probably the first time he had a patient cry before he had even said anything.

It was short and sweet, but the news was rather sour.

My liver has carcinoid just like my lung.

We are getting together and talking about options on Thursday.

I don't even know what options there will be, now that we know for sure it has spread.

I hung up with him and this time I didn't throw my phone, I called Dustin.

I told him the news about the product, telling him I was so sorry I wasted another several hundred dollars on a product that didn't work and that I had carcinoid in my liver.

Just what every husband wants to hear at work, right?A wife sobbing about wasted money and carcinoid.

You know what?

God gave me exactly what I needed.

Someone to remind me that it is only money, not to worry about it. Dustin didn't care. All that mattered was me.

God would somehow work out the liver and lung thing. It was no different than it had been a few hours ago and we would fight if with everything we had.

And he prayed with me.

Then my mom prayed with me after I told her the news.

After which I took a good hard look at myself.

I could blame my mood and tantrums on a lot of things.

My cancer, the meds I'm taking, which are affecting me, my lack of sleep, etc., but none of them are an excuse.

It's me, letting my sinful nature get the best of me.

Pastor preached in Colossians on sunday.

Verse 10 and 11 have haunted me ever since.

"so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowlege of God. May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience.

My problem is I keep trying to do it on my own, despite knowing better. I get lazy. Don't read the Word like i know I need to in order to walk worthy of Him and get that endurance and patience.

I'm sharing this with you because, one, confession is good for the soul and two, just in case some of you struggle with the wicked witch of the west personality on occasion, like I do, that you would allow God to drop a house down on it. :-)

I love your prayers for my cancer, keep them coming, but would you also pray for the inside, inside of me? The part that really matters? Cancer can only kill my body, my anger hurts my soul.

Sorry if there are a lot of mistakes in this post. Those pictures really messed up my typing. I can barely read it when it isn't actually posted on my blog.


Noelle said...

I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH SIS!!!! I'm here if you need anything. I was thinking about you all day yesterday, and praying. I hope you have slept and the sun is a little brighter today! :)

The Roli Poli's said...

Your blog left me in tears. Thank you for being so open and honest. I have really struggled with letting my sin nature get the best of me which comes out in the form of being a witch to my kids. I am going to print that verse on a card and put it on my cupboard. The other day I was so angry I threw a glass hoping it would break.. It bounced off a box and rolled to the floor. I laughed in the midst of my tears because I felt so foolish. I always said I am going to be the nicest mommy but I find myself yelling at them for the dumbest reasons sometimes and then I am devastated when I see their sad little faces. Thank you for the challenge to turn to God and get into His word. And the challenge to give it all to Him and let him drop a house on it ;) You really encouraged me and I thank God for you!!

As for the cancer.. This verse came to me as soon as I read the news.
Isaiah 41:10 So don't worry because I am with you. Don't be afraid, because I AM YOUR GOD. I will make you strong and will help you. I will support you with My right hand that saves you.

I am so glad that the Savior can bring you comfort and strength because this witch is sure at a lack for words! I love you and will continue praying.

Rosanne said...

Oh, Becca. I don't know what to say other than we're praying for you - including Jaylen, he prays for "mommy's friend Becca's sickness to go away." I love reading your blog - you're such a great writer, and so open and honest. And I'm glad I'm not the only one who didn't know they had a temper until they had kids. This week's study in "The Power of a Woman's Words" is about how we interact with our kids. I'm sure I'll be convicted in this one.
Hang in there... God's love is unfailing.

Amy@My Front Porch said...

Yes. YES. I can relate. And next time I'm being a witch I'm going to ask the Lord to drop a big house on my attitude, like you said :)

Praying for you...I'm so sorry to hear the news about your liver.

Christy said...

Wow-thank you for sharing your heart, the good and the bad. You are such an encouragement and challenger to me in my life and faith. I will keep praying with you-I am amazed that while you ask for prayer for healing of your physical body, you covet the prayers for your spiritual body. . . what a statement of faith and desire to truly live your life for God.

MommaMindy said...

hey becca boo: this is mindy's husband, Scott, yes you remember me: you know, my beka boo was named after you, i would have had 12 kids, i had to have a rebeka, so i could call her beka, but of course i added a boo at the end. beka boo, i wish with all my hear i could come, or send mindy to take away all the cancer. All i know for sure, "His ways are higher than mine, His thoughts are higher than mine". Beka Boo - you should come visit and let us love on you . . . or you should let Mindy come and love on you there. (i would send my beka boo to love you too and your dear little ones) Let me know what works best, and it is done. Heavenly Father, i pray for beka boo tonight, i pray that you help her shine with grace and love from above. Help beka to love you with all her heart, use her, grant her peace, and help those close to her bring her great joy and encouragement. We trust you for all you do in our lives, we love you, and we worship and adore you for saving us, and preparing a home for us in Heaven. Thank you for Jesus, for his death, and His great love. Father, hold and bring close beka to you tonight, let her know you are very close, very near, and in CONTROL. Thank you for all you do, in the name of the Lord Jesus, amen. I love you Beka Boo. bro Scott

Lynn said...

I followed a link to your blog today, and although you don't know me, I wanted to tell you that your post really spoke to me. Thank you for being honest and sharing your struggle - our sin natures reveal ugliness we never might have known was in us! Thankfully, the Lord is SO gracious and eager to forgive!

I am going to start praying for you - keep us updated on your progress =0]

Freedomtrain Ministries said...

Wow, you are amazing. Mindy sent out a blog and your story really touched my heart. Thanks for being real!