Thursday, May 5, 2011

Low moments

I will admit to some low moments the last few weeks.

Lower than usual.

I never question that God is out there, I just question if He is really listening.

Yesterday I was particularly so.

This is the first time I can honestly say I have no where to turn but to God.

The medical field has no answers.

I'm continuing my trips to Chicago, and while they make me feel better, I'm still sick.

We are looking other places, but you began to doubt that you will ever find answers.

Yesterday I let all my doubts, fear, and insecurities take over.

Dustin heard a bitter rant and rave.

Did God really hear me?

Where was the wisdom He promised if we cried out to Him?

Why this lingering on and on and on and on of being sick and relatively helpless?

Why doesn't He either heal me or take me to heaven?

With me being in this state I'm such an inconvenience to others - I feel like I take, take, take...

I heard the bitterness edging everything I was saying.

I heard me.... little puny me questioning my creator. His wisdom. His even hearing my prayers.

I hated what I heard.

Gently, as always, God brought me to my knees. (not literally in this case as I was in the car:-)

There wasn't any flash of wisdom or instant healing. Just a pouring out of myself to Him.

Confessing my doubt that He has my best in mind.

Realizing that He has knows in every intimate detail what is going on in my life.

Surrendering myself yet again (a daily thing for me) to whatever His plan is.

I'm scared - I'll admit.

Having something that nobody knows anything about is a bit disconcerting.

God does, though, and He reminded me through all of you that He does indeed hear the prayers that are going up for me.

Here are just some of the ways.

I received flowers three times yesterday.

An aunt made a beautiful bouquet with lights that she gave us along with a yummy lunch on our way home.

A friend sent me a flower picture that made my day.

Another brought fresh cut flowers from her garden.

A reminder that one of my friends little boys prays for me every night before supper.

I received a letter in the mail from a precious friend/previous camper at Box T about how much my life had meant to her.

She has no idea how much that meant to me right then. God knew I needed to be reminded that my life mattered and He did it through her, as well as reminding me that "My grace is sufficient, my strength is made perfect in weakness."

That verse has never meant more to me than now. I love the last part. "Most gladly therefore will I glory in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Cor. 12:9

I can glory in infirmities like never before. I'm looking forward to seeing His power!

So.... yes, times are a bit tough.

We are looking for answers and realizing that maybe they will never come.

Maybe they will.

One thing I know for sure. God knows the number of all our days. He knows the plans He has for me.

I can rest in that.

And tomorrow I will need to remind myself of that yet again. :-)

I am humbled and blessed by your continued prayers on my behalf.


The Daniel Den said...

Becca- I am praying for you today and praying for wisdom but most of all strength and peace. I love when Paul asked three times for the infirmity to be taken away and he then says the Lord is sufficient.... His strength is made perfect in weakness. What a real thing that becomes when sick and not knowing where to turn in the medical field. All of eternity there will be no cancer, Lyme or anything hard.... but here we have the beautiful, raw priviledge of suffering and being used by Christ.
Your posts encourage my heart and I thank you for being real, open and transparent.....
Praying for a sweet mother's day with your precious girls and husband! Lord Bless!

Rosanne said...

I'm so sorry Becca. I wish I was super-eloquent and could say just the thing to help, but know we're praying for you! Love you and miss you... Did you get my FB message?