Friday, March 18, 2011

"Yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's; he makes me tread on my high places."

Habakkuk 3:18-19


No catastrophe has taken place so I'll keep my promise.

I want to write in a few days.

Days when I know I will no longer feel the raw pain and disappointment my results brought today.

My oncologist stalled as he brought up my MRI photo's.

I knew he could just be unprepared, but my heart told me bad news was coming.

I couldn't hold back the tears as I saw tumors in my liver that had doubled in size the past four months.

My lung tumor has increased, as well.

It's a good thing my mom was there because I couldn't ask any questions, at all.

Questions like, "Why do I feel better if the tumors are increasing. How can I breathe better?"

His theory is that my other lung is compensating.

It's all a theory.

And there are no magic treatments just because my tumors aren't behaving like they are supposed to.

Which is GO AWAY!

I wish I had something to tell you, but I don't.

I'll have a PET scan done again, I'm sure we will consider everything all over again.

But again, considering doesn't bring any real options to the table.

Do I think my Chicago dr. is a crock?

At this point I couldn't tell you what I think about anything or anyone.

All I know is that my center hasn't changed.

God is holding me up through this. He is my solid to cling to.

I've climbed on His lap today and asked him to carry me through all of this.

Giving up is not an option.

But fighting in my own strength is beyond overwhelming right now.

I didn't want to have to share news like this.

I wanted to tell you how everything was shrinking, or at least frozen in place.

In a few days, when the newness of the latest report has worn of, Dustin and I will need prayers for direction.

I know that is what you do best.

In the meantime, God is teaching me a whole new level of rejoicing in Him.

8 comments:

MommaMindy said...

I'm so very, very sorry. My will is not His will, and this is hard to handle. His thoughts are above our thoughts, they are higher than our thoughts, and I will follow your example in seeking to rejoice in Him when I just want to throw myself down and scream. I love you, sister, with all my heart.

heartmomma said...

I honestly don't have many words tonight. Know that my heart is hurting with you tonight. And I'm also rejoicing in knowing that my God knows exactly what to do when our hearts are overwhelmed (Ps. 61:2). I'm praying this verse for you all tonight.

Sending lots of love from down the street.

Jess

Rosanne said...

Oh, Becca - I'm so sorry. We're holding you up in prayer right now. Your faith is an inspiration... Hugs from WA.

Amy@My Front Porch said...

Oh Rebecca...I am so sorry. I don't know what to say to offer comfort but know that I'm praying for you...

AnkenyMom said...

Becca,
I wish that I knew just what to say...please know that we're praying for you, and that we're here for you. Praying for wisdom, strength, and a peace that passes all understanding. Rest in Him, knowing that His way is perfect (even when we can't see anything perfect about it).

AnkenyMom said...

AnkenyMom is Emily, by the way. :-) I thought it would say my actual name when I commented. Love you, Becca!

Our Family said...

Love you dear girl. I will continue to pray for you as you decide which road to take. God knows and He loves you so much. In that we can trust. Let's get together this week if you have time.... Jen Sullivan

Andy and Jennifer said...

So sorry... We will keep praying for you... Wish I knew what to say, but I don't... May the Lord comfort your heart.