No catastrophe has taken place so I'll keep my promise.
I want to write in a few days.
Days when I know I will no longer feel the raw pain and disappointment my results brought today.
My oncologist stalled as he brought up my MRI photo's.
I knew he could just be unprepared, but my heart told me bad news was coming.
I couldn't hold back the tears as I saw tumors in my liver that had doubled in size the past four months.
My lung tumor has increased, as well.
It's a good thing my mom was there because I couldn't ask any questions, at all.
Questions like, "Why do I feel better if the tumors are increasing. How can I breathe better?"
His theory is that my other lung is compensating.
It's all a theory.
And there are no magic treatments just because my tumors aren't behaving like they are supposed to.
Which is GO AWAY!
I wish I had something to tell you, but I don't.
I'll have a PET scan done again, I'm sure we will consider everything all over again.
But again, considering doesn't bring any real options to the table.
Do I think my Chicago dr. is a crock?
At this point I couldn't tell you what I think about anything or anyone.
All I know is that my center hasn't changed.
God is holding me up through this. He is my solid to cling to.
I've climbed on His lap today and asked him to carry me through all of this.
Giving up is not an option.
But fighting in my own strength is beyond overwhelming right now.
I didn't want to have to share news like this.
I wanted to tell you how everything was shrinking, or at least frozen in place.
In a few days, when the newness of the latest report has worn of, Dustin and I will need prayers for direction.
I know that is what you do best.
In the meantime, God is teaching me a whole new level of rejoicing in Him.