Up, down, spinning around.
Sometimes this past week the spinning part has got the better of me.
A few times my horse got stuck on the down position and it was a bit of a struggle to get it moving up again.
Never before have I understood what people mean when telling me how someone they knew just gave up and died.
There were a couple of times when I knew that if I gave up right now and quit fighting, that would be me.
Here's the thing.... I'm not allowed to give up. :-)
I have this wonderful family who refuses to let me.
Sunday night I discovered that my lung is a little upset again with my pain meds.
On top of my Friday news this devastated me. It shouldn't have, but it did.
Not only do these meds take all the pain away, they let me sleep.
The past two weeks have been such a blessing.
When I saw those meds slipping away I fell apart - just being honest.
Monday I woke up, pulled on a hoodie, and sat on the couch.
Dustin found me with tears running down my cheeks and very little will to keep on fighting.
He wisely packed me up and sent me to the woman who would force feed me not only food but the will to keep going.
I have talked to my oncologist since then and decided that while I may cough up a little bit of blood due to the meds, sanity is worth it. The amount is far from dangerous, and it is the only side effect.
Can you pray that I won't need it much longer?
Pork me up a little bit and hopefully the problem will just go away.
My blood work came back and assured me that my liver is functioning normally.
On Monday I had my mom call my doc in Chicago.
I didn't have the energy to talk to him, but I needed to hear what he said.
I think both of us were ready to give up on him.
Surprisingly, after hearing what he said, I'm ready to keep going for a bit more.
To sum it up he said, "He has seen over and over how people take an MRI, get bad news from the doctors, are ready to buy their coffin, do surgery, only to find out that it wasn't as bad as the pictures made it look. Shadows can distort sizes of tumors. He has worked with so many patients and has learned to trust his instinct. In my case he would stake a lot on the fact that I'm getting better."
He wants to see my MRI's next time.
Is he right?
I don't know. I'm depending on a verse a precious friend sent in the mail today.
"Call to Me and I will answer you. I'll tell you marvelous and wondrous things that you could never figure out on your own." Jeremiah 33:3
We are on our knees crying out to God to show us things we can never figure out on our own.
When I talked to my oncologist yesterday on the phone he mentioned only doing more tests for treatment.
I perked up at that. Treatment? Was there something new?
Turns out no. Just the same 19% possibility for the shot that might stop the tumor growth.
That leaves my naturopath and finding other options.
We may still look into the shot, but we can't stop there. That isn't a cure. That's hoping the tumor doesn't grow more.
So, for now we will keep up with Chicago. His confidence lends me confidence I need right now.
After my oncology visit I really was ready to buy my coffin.
I have strong feelings about the kind, by the way. I've thought about it even before I was sick.
Personally I'd rather spend the money on something I can enjoy now! :-)
But that is a rabbit trail.
With Chicago doc I feel like I'm going to make it.
Like he is going to find something that works.
The plan is to still search out other options.
The tooth keeps coming up, so pray for wisdom on whether we should act on it.
Everything just costs so stinkin much, you know?
Sadly, that is probably the biggest reason I'm hesitating on that. Well.... that and I really dislike the thought of getting a tooth pulled.
I still have my wisdom teeth! Never have I had a tooth pulled.
I'd rather have a needle in my lung or liver than my tooth pulled.
So that could be my real reason....
I'm sorry this is so rambling. You're head is probably spinning like mine now, but hopefully you have a general idea of where we are at.
God has me where I need to be. Unable to turn anywhere but to Him.
Thanks so much for the prayers and support!