Monday, November 1, 2010

Betrayal

I haven't had to deal much with betrayal in my life.


I've had glimpses here and there, but God has largely protected my life from those crushing moments that come when family members or trusted friends betray you.



In the last few days I have identified a feeling brought on by this journey called cancer.



Betrayal.



It's not betrayal from God, friends, or family.



It's my body.



I would imagine it is much like a relationship betrayal. You've invested a lot of time, you feel connected to this person in a deeper way than with others, you do things to show you appreciate that person, you love them.



I'll say it, I'm rather fond of my body because it is all I have to walk around in. I'm not Miss Marathon runner or Miss America, but I've tried to stay in shape. I've avoided drugs, smoking, drinking and binge eating. Now, I could have done better in the healthy eating department, but I did OK. OK, not great. I must confess that in my past my idea of shedding a few pounds was just eating less. And the "less" that I ate might have been french fries, a bowl of ice cream, etc. If that is all you eat, well, you lose weight. Not healthy, but it worked - maybe. I may be suffering the consequences of those decisions now.

Now my body and doctors are telling me I have cancer.



I have a cough that won't go away.



I have a tumors in lung and liver that are tenacious and don't like to give up.



The doctors don't have a good solution to get this out of my body.



The other things I'm trying are either slow or not working.



I feel more fragile than my 92 year old grandma.



When pain keeps me up until 2:30 a.m., (or all night) the feeling of betrayal hits hard.



Why can't I get my body to do what I want it to do?



Why does it have to hurt when my babies run up to me for a crazy big hug?



I hate cringing when I know they are headed my way, but reality is that their little bony heads, elbows, knees, etc., hurt me a lot when they connect with my lung and chest area.



I was wandering around the kitchen a few nights ago feeling sorry for myself and I'll have to admit on the way to letting bitterness seep in.

This is a daily battle for me, keeping my thoughts going in the right direction.

My thoughts fortunately turned towards Jesus - always a good thing. (they don't, always)

I mentally went over who Jesus is.

And then I felt really, really, really small.

His public ministry was right at the age I am now.

He gave everything to those around him, especially His disciples.

He didn't have a home or many moments he could call his own.

He was always serving someone, or teaching something, or healing somebody.


There wasn't a selfish or feeling-sorry-for-himself bone in his body.

And what happened to him?

He was betrayed by those closest to Him.

He was betrayed by everyone, including me.

How did He feel when those he had given everything for gave him up and denied they knew Him?


He didn't storm around and stomp his feet, He didn't become bitter towards them, He didn't say "Oh woe is me." (convicting. I like to storm around at times)


He gave the ultimate gift and died for them, for me, for you.


Yeah, like I said, I felt really, really small.


Small yet comforted.


He didn't suffer the exact same way I am, or you are.


And He did have the advantage of being perfect, unlike us. :-)


But, even though He always chose to respond the perfect way, I love that He knows how I feel.


He knows exactly how it feels to be betrayed, and He is ready to listen to me when those feelings overwhelm me.


What an amazing God!





2 comments:

The Roli Poli's said...

It is so encouraging to know we truly are not alone.
The Lord Jesus went through literally everything so when we suffer He can smile and say "Come to me all ye who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest" because He has been there and knows exactly what it is like! WOW!! Thank you for this encouragement!!!!! Praying for a pain free night of sleep for you tonight...

MommaMindy said...

It reminds me of a blog from a friend RivkA. She is no longer writing with me on the blog Mothers Living With Cancer. Breast cancer won.

Read her blog, "Betrayed By My Breasts." http://coffeeandchemo.blogspot.com/2010/01/betrayed-by-my-breasts.html

When I went through my second bout of cancer, it was mentally harder than the first. The Lord gave me a beautiful thought. "He did not promise me a long life, He did not promise me a healthy life. He promised me eternal life, and that's enough for me."

STILL...longing, praying and weeping for your healing.