Thursday, September 16, 2010

Hunkering down and Humbled

Today I feel like the proverbial onion. Only I have no center, just layer upon layer of filthy, sinful self that needs to be peeled off.

I have time on my hands to think on things like this these days.

There is no rushing from activity, to project, and back again.

Yesterday morning I straightened up a bit before my amazing cleaning fairies paid their visit.

I wanted to get a roast in the crock pot before we went to my mom's to get out of their way.

First the meat went in, then I paused for a rest. Honestly, sometimes I just hunker down on the kitchen floor for a bit, willing energy back into my body.

This happened between the carrots and the potatoes, putting in the water, and getting the kids out the door.

It's a lot of hunkering. :-)

For those of you who don't know the definition of "hunker", for me it's squating down on my feet and resting my head on my knees. Wherever I currently am in the house.

Dustin gives me the once over every time he catches me in that position.

I can read his mind, "Do I need to help her, ignore her, keep talking like she is in a normal position?"

These days he usually just keeps talking, trusting I'll tell him if I need help. :-)

And I ask myself, "What's it like to be married to a woman who randomly hunkers down in the middle of things?"

I know the cause isn't amusing, but honestly, it's kind of funny when you think about it.

At least I think it is. I'm not in pain, just fueling up for the next task.

Anyway, that was a rabbit trail.

Having so little energy is a chip at my pride.

Realizing I have to rest between simple activities like putting a roast in the crock pot is humbling.

And then I take a look at my insides during those rest periods and realize I have a whole lot of pride that needs to die in my life.

God is working at it, and I am trying to be willing as those scaly layers come slowly off.

I'm noticing a pattern in my own life - I don't know if it is the same in everyones.

When God gets me to let go of my pride it turns into humility, humility turns to thankfulness.

It took a long time for my pride to admit I needed more help then just my immediate family. They suffered because of it. Not that they would ever say that, but they did more than they needed to do.

When I finally got the pride out of the way.... and doesn't pride so cleverly disguise itself?

I let myself think it was because I didn't want to inconvenience anyone. Or take advantage of someone, because did I really need help?

Those may have been somewhat true, but pride played a big part. I didn't want to admit I needed it. I was going to be the one who could still do it all, even with a tumor in my lung.

I'm glad God didn't let me stay that way. (And so is my family:-)

It is humbling each time someone brings a meal.

But it is also a time of thanksgiving.

Two days ago the deacons and pastors met to pray for me.

Dustin and I felt that this was a step of obedience we needed to take in accordance with James 5:14, "Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him,..."

For some reason it has taken us this long for us to ask for this particular prayer, and I can't tell you why it took us so long. Was it me? It very well could have been. Whatever the reason, we finally asked.

And again I felt pride sneaking in.

I don't want to be one of the "sick" among them.

I knew these men were busy. They have families and things to do on a Tuesday night. They serve the church family all the time. I felt unworthy of bringing them out just for me. And well that sounds humble, I think it is just backwards pride.

It is a command of God, we were following it, and they were helping me obey.

And can I just say it was an amazing experience?

As these men gathered around me, pouring their hearts out before God, I felt loved, humbled beyond belief, and reminded who is in control of all that is going on.

I knew without a shadow of a doubt God could heal me in that instant.

I also knew He may have other plans for me in this tumor.

One of them may be to continue to strip me of my pride and self centeredness.

Because one thing I realized again in those moments of prayer is that it isn't all about me.

I am just a little part of the huge body of Christ.

My hurt affects them - I think I realized just how much as these men were unafraid to show their tears in their prayers.

Prayers for me.

What a blessing to be part of such an amazing family.


Christy said...

I have been reading your blog now for about a month and although I have never commented, I have been so touched by your various posts. This post though makes me want to stop and look at my own life and the times I have let my pride stand in the way of what God has for me. Thank you so much for sharing.

The Roli Poli's said...

This blog really spoke to my heart. I have really been wrestling why God says no to healing. I loved how you said, "I knew without a shadow of a doubt God could heal me in that instant. I also knew He may have other plans for me in this tumor."
Your story has been such a testimony to me. Its hard to read about your sufferings (I just want you and my mom better!) but the way you give God the glory in everything really challenges my heart to keep going to Him and peel away my ugly layers.
Thank you for so openly sharing what is on your heart. You are showing humbleness to me just by admitting you have struggles too!
Praying for you!