Monday, September 20, 2010

The hospital gown.


I had my MRI today, but since I don't have my oncology appointment until tomorrow, I have no real news to share.

However, may I take this moment to give my opinion of the hospital gown?

Thank you! I feel the need to vent. :-)

First.

Don't wear anything complicated to your test. It ain't worth it. No matter how cute the outfit.

I've had belts before, jewelry, layers upon layers..... (not of jewelry, but clothes) it takes forever just to get it all off, and that doesn't include the putting on of the hospital gown, which is an art in itself.

My choice today: a favorite pair of cozy green pants, tank top and sweatshirt.

With the correct attire I drove to the hospital and parked on the entirely wrong side of the ginormous building, of course.

By the time I discovered my mistake, I was too lazy to go back out to my car and drive around, so I walked. (ironic, huh?)

At least a quarter of a mile, maybe more - so much for laziness.

It gave me time to:

1. Wonder what was going on behind some locked doors.

2. Question who would be on the waiting gurney, and think it looked really odd sitting in an empty hallway. Yet it had a reserved sign on it. Who reserves gurneys? And did they know their reserved gurney was lost in a random hallway?

3. Be glad I wasn't color blind so I could follow my yellow signs and think that possibly it would help me find my room faster if I had sparkly red shoes like Dorothy.

4. If the doctors, who had obviously just got out of surgery, felt like the ones you see on t.v. Although I don't know how the ones on t.v. actually feel so it probably didn't do me a bit of good to wonder that. Nor to waste your time sharing it. My apologies.

5. Why they put McDonalds in a hospital. Is it to make sure the arteries re-clog as quickly as possible?

6. And forget about the dreaded hospital gown.

I passed Starbucks with heroic restraint. I was fasting until after my MRI.

Although what I thought I would get there, I'm not sure. So maybe it wasn't that heroic after all. :-)

I finally found the place my name was registered.

I waited.

Gave some information.

Waited.

Thought about my hospital gown....

Waited.

You see... I didn't bring anything to do, which proves my theory.

You wait longest with nothing to do.

Finally I was called back and asked to change.

They don't waste anytime.

You see? Never dress up. Doesn't do a bit of good, unless you want to put some snazzy underwear on,(usually you get to keep that on, at least)but even that isn't worth it cause not a soul sees it.

Then the real fun begins.

Wrestling with the blasted gown.

It is my humble opinion that they should switch to scrubs, in some situations, like MRI's.

There is nothing complicated about putting on scrubs.

Hospital gowns, on the other hand.....

I'm sure I've put them on frontwards, backwards and sideways in my limited experience.

I've tied them wrong, snapped them wrong, and clutched at them to keep them from flapping open.

They need instructions with pictures in the dressing rooms for people like me.

This time I did manage to get the front in the front.

I debated about what to do with the extra inch long hole by the collar. Did a string go through it?

I always debate that, even though I'm pretty sure it is for some tube you may or may not have inserted somewhere in your body.

What else could it be for?

Or maybe they just put it there to confuse me.

It's a deep dark plot! I knew it!

These thoughts distracted me as I did tie a couple of strings together and decided it was good.

My front was covered. Nothing seemed to be flapping open.

I gathered my things and glanced in the mirror, briefly.

Who wants to look at themselves in a hospital gown?

Why put mirrors in there, anyway?

And at this point I could go on about the color choices, but I won't. :-)

This time I was glad I had at least looked. Which, come to think of it, is probably why they put that mirror there in the first place.

Something was wrong in the back.

I was pretty sure there wasn't supposed to be a rather deep v of exposed skin.

Hummmmm.....

I put my clothes down and decided to tackle it again.

On the second go around, I found a couple of more strings and matched them up in a way that filled up that gap in the back.

I'm pretty sure there was an extra string or two, but, after thoroughly inspecting my person I decided to be content with two out of three.

You can't win them all. :-)

And those are my thoughts.

Tomorrow I will update everyone on the condition of my liver.

Doesn't that just sound so exciting?

Seriously, though. Thanks for those of you who were praying for me today. I was worried about coughing too much, and I hardly coughed at all. :-)

God always gives grace in these situations, and today He pulled me through yet again!





3 comments:

The Roli Poli's said...

There are moms that have sewn their own cute and EASY to wear hospital gowns for when they give birth. You should have someone make you one so what ever hospital you go to you have your own gown that is cute and yet easy to put on :) Or if you just look around on the internet I am sure you an find one.

Rosanne said...

Your comment about the scrubs reminded me of when Trevor was born. Geoff got to wear scrubs (they fit him a little better than the Tyvec suits dads usually wear to c-sections). But the nurse made him take them off IMMEDIATELY so he wouldn't get pulled into a room to deliver a baby! :)

jess said...

Hee-Hee! You sew a gown? Now I am laughing... Sorry Jana! Wrong Mama! And now I'm jealous cause' I always have to take my undies off. Seriously! I need a new wing of the hospital... maybe the cafeteria!
You should shop in the hospital gift shop for Christmas. It's amazing how many things i find in there... Some things can actually be really great deals and super unique believe it or not. Just think, you'd be doing double duty!