Even though I've never been in a 747 when it is in a holding pattern it's what comes to mind when I think of my life right now.
I've hit a lull.
I'm feeling better.
Pieces of my life are being reclaimed by me.
Things like cooking, running errands, taking the kids to the library, packing my husbands lunch on occasion, putting away laundry ( I haven't reclaimed the folding of it yet, I may hold off on that for a bit:-), and organizing the very disorganized parts of my house.
Granted, I can't do all of this all the time, I run out of energy, but the fact that I'm doing them at all continues to amaze me.
But even with all of this improvement, I still feel as if my life is circling above me, waiting for complete healing before it can land and really start to live how I want to live.
Like I said before, I've never been in a holding pattern, nor have I ever been a 747, but I'm going to imagine for a bit...
The 747 is circling the air above the landing strip. It's just flown over the ocean, a 17 hour flight (that's the longest flight I've been on), and desperately wants to land. Not to mention the 200 passengers who are dying to get off, and some of them are not quiet about it.
That's how life feels right now. It's been a three year journey coming up the end of May. A long time, about half of my married life. All of Gabi's life.
My emotions, the 200 passengers, are all over the place at times.
Picture the finger tapping, foot swinging, watch glancing passenger. They have places to go, people to see, and they don't have time for this unexpected and inconvenient delay.
Amen and amen, I want to say to them. Me too. I feel like Karis.
"Mommy, I don't want to wait, I want it now."
Only mine sounds like this, "God, I don't want to wait, I want to be completely better now!"
It's inconvenient. It was unexpected. It is a part of God's plan for me and I would do well to remember that.
Then there is the passenger who is fuming. Smoke really does appear to be coming out of their ears. They are irritated. Angry. It's the pilots fault. The airport. The flight attendants. Their fellow passengers. Anything anybody says or does just irritates them more.
My poor family when I'm in this mood. Patience flies out the window. I can be just plain mean because I feel so grumpy and exhausted and tired of waiting for my plane to land. My prayer is that I will be able to cut through these angry, frustrated thoughts and not let them show in my actions.
And then the worrier. What if the plane runs out of gas? After all, we have been flying for over 17 hours now. Another plane could run into it. I'll miss my connecting flight.
I am so good at worrying. Am I seeing the right doctors? What if I'm going to the wrong ones? I know I have one of the best oncologists, who is in contact with the other best oncologists, but what about the others who are trying to help me. There are so many options and they all seem like they have the right answer... Insurance doesn't cover them... what if we run out of money? How will I get help then?
Oh yes, I'm good at this worry business.
And on occasion I can relate to the passenger who is at peace. They look at the delay as just an unavoidable part of their day. It will all work out, eventually they will land. Why waste precious time in frustration, anger, and worry.
My husband is good at reminding me that I need to be that person and trust God. I have a short memory, however, and need to be reminded often.
God is forever reminding me to be patient. Like in James 5:10. This verse hit me as I was exercising the other day. My mom has verses posted on their wall so you can memorize as you work out. I tried to memorize this one. "But take the prophets, who spoke in the name of the Lord, as an example of suffering and patience."
That hit home. I mentally went through the prophets and their lives. Mostly they comprised of men who shared and shared and shared about God. Day in and day out. Their thanks? Mostly people who ridiculed them, beat them, made life rather miserable. Yet they endured.
It makes what I am enduring seem rather pitiful in comparison. So, I will take them as an example of suffering and patience.
Also, Phil. 4:4 "Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say rejoice." He didn't say it just once, he repeated it. That always makes it more important. It doesn't matter that you are sick, that you have seen three cockroaches in your house in the last month, that you have two rambunctious little girls who don't stop living life just because you can't keep up with them, or that you have to spend money on doctors instead of something fun, it's a command to rejoice always.
So today I'm going to try and remember this. Remember the prophets as an example of suffering and patience. And that no matter what, to rejoice.
Now, I'm off to make my house spotless, super clean, and hopefully murder a few roaches. I hate roaches. They make me feel dirty and they give me mini breakdowns.... but... that is for another post.
Love you all and thanks for all the prayers.