A lil' bit 'bout me :-)

I don't really like talking about me.

It gets a little bit uncomfortable at times, and often I feel like I'm monopolizing the conversation talking about my health.

If you have ever felt like that, I apologize.

But I also realize that you are praying for me and need to be updated, so here is a little update.

Since I've seen my nutritionist my wheeze has disappeared almost completely. Seriously. I've only heard it once or twice in the last three months. And when I heard it, I told it that it was really a pitiful excuse for a wheeze and should just disappear altogether. I think it might have listened because it hasn't dared show its wheezy little head since, but it can be a bit sneaky, so I'll let you know.

Since I've seen the chiropractor in Chicago I haven't been coughing up any blood.

That is a tidbit I didn't share with you.

The fact that I have coughed up blood.

You see, to me, coughing up blood is like sounding a death knell .

You know you are sick when you cough and there is blood in the mucus that comes up.

It's in all the movies, after all. And movies are always right!

At first it was just a tiny little bit. Less than a pencil eraser size.

A few times I coughed up quarter sized blood and mucus.

I about freaked out, but not quite. Well maybe a little bit....

The doctors said there wasn't much I could do about it.

My nutritionist said it was to be expected with a tumor in your lung.

My chiropractor wasn't even phased. He just said it was normal, as well.

And now, the problem is over and done with. Where it went, I don't know, but it is gone!

I still cough up mucus (sorry to gross you out with all this) because my chiropractor is inhumane and forces me to do a nebulizer with a solution that causes me to not only cough, but cough until I have tears coming out of my eyes. :-)

Doesn't that sound inhumane?

I know!

And I've become a spitter. Do you realize that I have had to stop the car, open the door and spit out what I've coughed up?

I have never been a spitter!

Never!

And, I must say, I'm not very good at it.

My admiration has gone way up for those who spit so far and accurately.

I never can seem to get it all out in one clean wad.

The last kind of drools out and I have to wipe it off.

It really is kind of humiliating not to be able to spit well.

Maybe I should work on it, but by the time I get good I probably won't need the skill anymore.

Ok, off that rabbit trail and back to what this is about. ( But aren't you so glad I digressed a bit so you could know this wonderful fact about me? )

Why he is making me cough up mucus, thus making me spit.

Who cares that he has this logical explanation that when the growth shrinks and dies I need to help get it out of there by coughing.

At least the coughing doesn't hurt. I can just get a lot of sympathy because of the tears it produces!

But, I feel great!

Not a 100%, but a lot better than the 30% I was feeling. I'd say I'm probably about at an 85%, which is HUGE for me.

I'm still cautiously optimistic, even though this feeling has now gone on for about a month now. I've felt good before and it somehow slips away from me.

The good chiropractor did restrict my diet a tad bit more. I'm not allowed to have fatty foods for a little bit.

Like no beef or pork, or avocados. Fried food, etc.

For a girl who has never gone on a diet in her life, not that I couldn't have used one on occasion, this is an eye opening experience.

I've decided that I don't much like them.

Thankfully this low fat diet, which is so my liver doesn't have to process all the fats and can work on healing itself of the growths that are on it, doesn't have to last that long.

However, I have this sneaking suspicion that a healthy diet is going to have to last forever.

There are days I really don't like that fact, but most of the time I don't mind. I honestly feel so much better when I eat my vegetables and avoid the icky processed foods.

Not that those processed foods haven't called my name on occasion.

Who knew that your mom was right when she told you you needed to eat your vegetables to grow healthy and strong?

We really should listen to our moms. It would save us a lot of trouble in the long run. Like tumors in the lung, for example. :-)

More Gabi!

My baby loves to eat. Thankfully her mom is on a veggie, fruit, bean, etc., diet, so this little piggy isn't at all fat, but lets just say I think she could be if I had around what I would like to have around on certain days. :-) Ice cream, nutty bars, chocolate covered granola bars.... mmmmm..... as I munch on a carrot!

Don't get me wrong, I am not always good. I have cheated a few times since I've added fruit and cheese back into my diet. Not often, but yes, ice cream has found it's way into my mouth a few times.

Not exactly sure how..... :-)

I was forced, that's it. Some random stranger came up and threatened me with my life if I didn't eat the yummy, creamy, delicious....

I mean, ice cream or my life? There was no question, I ate the ice cream.

Wish I could blame it on something like that.

Nope, it was just a moment of weakness.

Most of the time my snack is something healthy... and non sugar, but mmmmmm........ ice cream is so very good! It was worth it.

This wasn't meant to be a confessional, this was about Gabi. So back to that little kumquat.

I'm not sure why I call her that, in case you are wondering. I like how it rolls off the tongue, and since I don't have any reason to say kumquat in my daily life I have created one. :-)

So, since the girls often have had to feed themselves over the past few months, I sometimes find them into something they shouldn't be.

Particularly my kumquat.

While in Chicago I rounded the kitchen corner to find the fridge ajar.

Strawberries are a favorite of all of ours, except Dustin. If they are in the fridge they will disappear. Gabi was just helping them disappear a little faster than normal. :-)

Below is a very excited little girl. She discovered the rest of the chocolate pie up in the kitchen and happily finished it up for us while we chatted downstairs. She reminds me every night before she goes to bed that she is going to have a ballerina cake for her birthday in October. She gets this very look on her face when she talks about it. The color changes. Sometimes blue, sometimes pink, but always ballerina. So much for doing a cute cupcake caterpillar cake.... I had such dreams. :-)

Gabiisms

My baby is growing up.

She talks.

She runs around singing Jesus Loves Me at the top of her lungs. That and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

We have to sing those both to her before she will even consider going to sleep.

The other day I strapped her into her car seat and then hopped into the drivers seat. We were off to meet Dustin and Karis. Her little voice sings out,

"I'm ready to roll, Mom!"

What? Where do they even hear these things?

Today she turned around on the bar stool, looked at me with her big blue eyes and super wide smile, and says,

"You the best mom I ever seen!"

I melted into a gooey puddle right then and there.

She loves to follow those declarations by running towards you and resting her precious little cheek on your hand.

Her favorite possession is her blanky, and you know what? I'm not going to try and take that away. For all I care she can take it with her when she is married! Let her husband deal with that one. :-)

I know she says a bunch of other precious things, but it's late and my brain is currently blank on them. I'm sure I'll be sharing more in the future.

I'm just glad that in her little eyes I'm still the best mom ever, even with all the craziness that has gone on during her little life.

God is so good! His mercies are new every morning! And He gives little ones short memories on the bad, lots of forgiveness, and a bunch of love to pass around.

It happened!

She really has stopped sucking her thumb.

I almost don't believe it even as I am typing this out.

But... it's true, and I will highly recommend the Handaid "glove" to anyone who needs to get their child to stop.

It was painless for Karis, who only said she missed her thumb a handful of times.

It was painless for us. I never had to remind her to get her thumb out of her mouth.

It was painless for her hand. No chafing, and she could do everything she wanted to.

And last monday was the payoff. We all got to go to Chuck E Cheese, even Daddy.

This was probably her favorite ride. When asked why, "Because I always win, Mommy!"
Gabi's look of concentration as she rode the horse.

Everyone had a lot of fun, I would say. I even have some tokens left over for next time. We may have to take some of the aunties back this summer. Hummm.... what can it be a reward for this time?

Maybe the nailbiting that has taken the place of the thumbsucking.

Parenting never lets up, does it. :-) Always something to think about.

Much better!

Gabi is sleeping. I never did figure out what was wrong. I have a suspicion that maybe she was getting the last of her two year molars in??? It's just a suspicion.

But we all sleep better, now. As a result, we all feel better as well. :-)

A baby update. Sullivan can gain weight, just needs to learn to drink out of a bottle or a sippy cup. You can check out more of that story at jessrivers.blogspot.com. Pray he learns the art of the bottle or sippy cup so he doesn't have to have a feeding tube.

I feel great! Except for, what I have another sneaking suspicion may be, a cracked rib. But, I'm not going to complain because my lung doesn't hurt and the right side of my head is pain free. And I have energy. Granted, that energy might be a bit hampered by my rib, but still, it is energy! That is such a praise.

A little perspective.

See this precious little girl? This little squirt has kept me up every fifteen minutes to half hour the last two nights. I can't figure it out. She has a slight cold, but that is all. I was tempted to drug her, just to get a few hours of sleep. I didn't, cause I couldn't justify it. No fever, no throwing up, nothing but a little stuffy nose that isn't really stuffy. I did buy some natural sleep aid for kids, though, and am planning on giving it to her quite often tonight before she goes to bed.

Dustin and I went out on a date for Mother's Day. Super yummy food and the movie Date Night. I'm saying this because it is about a couple who has been married awhile with two kids. They have a comfortable and sometimes boring routine date night. It is all switched up when they take another couple's identity and face a crisis together. Anyway, in the midst of the crisis he asks her if she ever has a fantasy about having an affair. She looks at him and says, "Honey, I'm too tired to even think of an affair. My fantasy is going to an EMPTY hotel room, all by myself, sipping a diet coke and savoring the silence with nobody needing anything."

I thought of that this morning and informed Dustin if I was ever missing he didn't need to worry about an affair, he would find me blissfully alone in a hotel room, sleeping. Pretty wild, eh?

Anyway, all that to say while it has been frustrating, as I need my sleep to survive a day, any temptation to complain went out the window when Jess called me this afternoon.

She was on the way to the hospital to admit her seven month old, Sullivan, for a few days.
Remember this adorable little guy? He had his routine check up today and the doctor just wasn't happy with his weight gain. It has been a struggle the past few months, but only something they have been carefully watching. Now Mama and baby are at the hospital.

My heart aches for Jess as he is having a feeding tube put down his little throat and having to have his hands taped down so he doesn't rip it out. He loves his fingers, too. This is all so they can do some tests to see why he isn't gaining weight.

Pray for them when you think of it. Tests are bad enough when they are being done to your own person, or another adult who understands, but your baby? I'll keep you posted, but I'm hoping they can figure out once and for all what the problem is, hopefully something simple.

And tonight, if my baby keeps me awake, I'm going to try and remember that a little loss of sleep is something fairly easy to deal with. But, if you happen to think of it, pray she quits waking herself up! It would be a blessing. :-)

If I don't blog right now...

I'll probably eat a big bowl of chocolate ice cream.

Or maybe do something productive like clean my house.

But my house overwhelms me.

As do the cockroaches that I think have infested it.

I say I think because I don't know absolutely for positively certain.

But I have a sneaking suspicion.

But back to the overwhelming part.

I did clean my room which is where I saw our third roach in a month last night.

I was watching t.v. when out of the corner of my eye something black moved on our closet door. My heart sank when I realized it wasn't a spider but a roach. Never thought I'd be rejoicing over the sight of a spider over a roach, but I currently do.

Anyway, I should have grabbed a shoe and killed it, but I ran for the Raid. It took a moment to find it, because you know the current sate of my house, obviously, we have roaches.

Anyway, I run back with the can and the thing is gone.

I look desperately around for a flashlight before I find it exactly where it is supposed to be, much to my surprise.

I felt like an agent, a very scared and shaky agent, as I held my can of raid and peered into the crack on the folding closet door with the help of my mag light. Finally I saw the creepy crawly bugger and I let that can of raid loose on it.

I couldn't tell if I got it or not, or if raid even kills roaches. And I was too creeped out to look.

Isn't it ironic? A roach can't hurt me. I could smash it easily. With my bare hands. So why does it incite such terror in me? Why does the thought of one crawling on me absolutely repulse me?

I went down and googled roach infestations. While I think we may be on the way towards one, I think it is in the early stages. Which is why when Dustin came home I freaked out and demanded we clean EVERYTHING that night.

I stormed around the kitchen, while Dustin quietly helped me, all the time I'm asking God why? You would think I would have gotten this upset when they told me I had cancer, the incurable kind.

But no, it took roaches to make it happen. I was asking God why. Why did we have to have roaches on top of everything else? Wasn't it enough that I'm dealing with my lung, and my kids, and starting to clean up my house, and cooking again? Did I really have to have the extra gross out factor of roaches in my home? Talk about making me feel like a complete failure. I don't know about you, but having roaches makes me feel like worst housewife of the year.

I always wonder what God thinks when I'm as foolish as I was last night. Here I am, sobbing because my husband told me to leave the cleaning for the morning, I was exhausted and needed sleep, and the roach in my room was dead, so I didn't have to worry about it. Yes, Raid works very well.

If you could have seen me, you would have agreed with Dustin. It really is a pitiful sight when you are brushing your teeth, crying, and trying not to cough.

All over a silly cockroach.

This morning my outlook was a tad brighter.

I'm still overwhelmed, but I'm realizing that somehow it will all work out.

My disorganized piles will go away - not as quickly as I would like, but they will go away.

The cockroaches will die. I'm armed and dangerous with ideas, now. It will just take a bit to execute all of them. But I'm giving the roaches the waring now. Move out or you will be killed.

My favorite verse works in this situation as well as a health crisis.

"As for God, His way is perfect."

I'm not sure how cockroaches fit into that perfect plan, but they do.

It will, however, be a question I ask Him when I get to heaven. :-)

I feel like a 747 in holding pattern...

I haven't written about the state of my lung and liver because #1, I've been busy, #2, there just isn't that much to write about that is new.

Even though I've never been in a 747 when it is in a holding pattern it's what comes to mind when I think of my life right now.

I've hit a lull.

I'm feeling better.

Pieces of my life are being reclaimed by me.

Things like cooking, running errands, taking the kids to the library, packing my husbands lunch on occasion, putting away laundry ( I haven't reclaimed the folding of it yet, I may hold off on that for a bit:-), and organizing the very disorganized parts of my house.

Granted, I can't do all of this all the time, I run out of energy, but the fact that I'm doing them at all continues to amaze me.

But even with all of this improvement, I still feel as if my life is circling above me, waiting for complete healing before it can land and really start to live how I want to live.

Like I said before, I've never been in a holding pattern, nor have I ever been a 747, but I'm going to imagine for a bit...

The 747 is circling the air above the landing strip. It's just flown over the ocean, a 17 hour flight (that's the longest flight I've been on), and desperately wants to land. Not to mention the 200 passengers who are dying to get off, and some of them are not quiet about it.

That's how life feels right now. It's been a three year journey coming up the end of May. A long time, about half of my married life. All of Gabi's life.

My emotions, the 200 passengers, are all over the place at times.

Picture the finger tapping, foot swinging, watch glancing passenger. They have places to go, people to see, and they don't have time for this unexpected and inconvenient delay.

Amen and amen, I want to say to them. Me too. I feel like Karis.

"Mommy, I don't want to wait, I want it now."

Only mine sounds like this, "God, I don't want to wait, I want to be completely better now!"

It's inconvenient. It was unexpected. It is a part of God's plan for me and I would do well to remember that.

Then there is the passenger who is fuming. Smoke really does appear to be coming out of their ears. They are irritated. Angry. It's the pilots fault. The airport. The flight attendants. Their fellow passengers. Anything anybody says or does just irritates them more.

My poor family when I'm in this mood. Patience flies out the window. I can be just plain mean because I feel so grumpy and exhausted and tired of waiting for my plane to land. My prayer is that I will be able to cut through these angry, frustrated thoughts and not let them show in my actions.

And then the worrier. What if the plane runs out of gas? After all, we have been flying for over 17 hours now. Another plane could run into it. I'll miss my connecting flight.

I am so good at worrying. Am I seeing the right doctors? What if I'm going to the wrong ones? I know I have one of the best oncologists, who is in contact with the other best oncologists, but what about the others who are trying to help me. There are so many options and they all seem like they have the right answer... Insurance doesn't cover them... what if we run out of money? How will I get help then?

Oh yes, I'm good at this worry business.

And on occasion I can relate to the passenger who is at peace. They look at the delay as just an unavoidable part of their day. It will all work out, eventually they will land. Why waste precious time in frustration, anger, and worry.

My husband is good at reminding me that I need to be that person and trust God. I have a short memory, however, and need to be reminded often.

God is forever reminding me to be patient. Like in James 5:10. This verse hit me as I was exercising the other day. My mom has verses posted on their wall so you can memorize as you work out. I tried to memorize this one. "But take the prophets, who spoke in the name of the Lord, as an example of suffering and patience."

That hit home. I mentally went through the prophets and their lives. Mostly they comprised of men who shared and shared and shared about God. Day in and day out. Their thanks? Mostly people who ridiculed them, beat them, made life rather miserable. Yet they endured.

It makes what I am enduring seem rather pitiful in comparison. So, I will take them as an example of suffering and patience.

Also, Phil. 4:4 "Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say rejoice." He didn't say it just once, he repeated it. That always makes it more important. It doesn't matter that you are sick, that you have seen three cockroaches in your house in the last month, that you have two rambunctious little girls who don't stop living life just because you can't keep up with them, or that you have to spend money on doctors instead of something fun, it's a command to rejoice always.

So today I'm going to try and remember this. Remember the prophets as an example of suffering and patience. And that no matter what, to rejoice.

Now, I'm off to make my house spotless, super clean, and hopefully murder a few roaches. I hate roaches. They make me feel dirty and they give me mini breakdowns.... but... that is for another post.

Love you all and thanks for all the prayers.

Mums the Word

I've made a Mother's Day card for my mom as long as I can remember. Each year I've told her how much I love her and appreciate her.


It has always been true. I have appreciated everything she has done for us.


This year, however, I think I could cheerfully kiss her feet if that was what was required to show appreciation.


I shudder to think of what the last few years would have been like if I hadn't had a mom like I have.


Let me see if I can briefly tell you why she is such an amazing mom.


She has put up with my crazy little girls, filling their little lives with worthwhile things.


They fall asleep each night to scripture lullabies, recorded by Grandma. They love it. I love it. My girls are falling asleep to God's Word.


She has made sure they have a jungle gym to play on up there, a swing and sandbox outside.


My diet has been made much easier because of the bags of vegetables she has made and the beans she has soaked for me. :-)


She watches the girls when i have appointments.


She finds ways to make me more comfortable.


And now that I'm feeling better and she knows that my disorganized house is driving me batty, she suggested putting some shelves and big rubbermaids out in the garage. It sounded like a great idea for the future. I was excited about it. Just sure it wouldn't happen until sometime in the future.


You know what happened last night? My mom and dad came over with my Mother's Day gift.


Out in our garage is a super amazing shelf with nine rubbermaids just waiting for me to fill them with my clutter in the house. My dad deserves some words of thanks, as well, and on Father's Day you had better believe he will get them.


My mom also keeps me updated on all the family news. I appreciate the hours she spends making sure all of us are connected on what is going on in each other's lives.


I could go on and on and on. I know I'm forgetting major things, but I just want everyone to know what a wonderful mother I have.


One of the things I appreciate most is the time she took putting Scripture in my heart when I was little. I can't tell you how many, many times during the past few year when I have been discouraged and scared that a verse she had us memorize pops into my head. I don't even have to open a Bible, though I do that, as well, to be comforted. And I know that is due to my mom.


Thank you, Mom, for loving me, for loving all of us, and making so many sacrifices in bringing us up. You are an awesome example of motherhood. Making me realize that it isn't perfection that makes a great mom, it's one who loves her God, her family, and wants what is best for everyone in her life.









I love you, Mom! So glad my daughters have a grandma like you!

Brookfield Zoo

It was a rather long ride to the zoo, so we started making faces at each other.
Gabi does everything her older sister does. :-)
I had forgotten my zoo pass to our zoo, so discounts were going to be out. I was a little frustrated about it because we had already paid $9 just to park, and then to get Karis and I in it would be another $26. I was just about ready to pay when a lady came up to us out of the blue and asked if we wanted two free passes that were going to expire that day. I refused, of course, saying we would rather put a large hole in our pocket book for the privilege of seeing these animals...... :-) Not quite, I thanked her profusely, held on to those passes for dear life, and thanked God for providing a way in for free. I was glad He did that, because it turned out that all the bears and the dolphins were off display, along with several other animals, so I would have felt cheated if it hadn't been free.
Fun with Auntie Abs.
Karis wanted you to see the snake she stepped on with her bare feet. You can see why she is still a little concerned to step out in the back yard. :-) Ha, ha.... glad those snakes are far, far away!
There are days I wish I was a mama kangaroo. Just pop them in and go about your business. It looks a whole lot easier than trying to walk around the kitchen with a little joey latched onto your leg.
She popped right up there and posed. Totally reminded me of my sister Elle.
These two were my lifesavers. They helped chase my munchkins all around.
"Look, Mermaids!" were the first words out of Gabi's mouth when she saw these sea lions.
I can't tell you how glad I am that she has curls. Karis has the strawberry blond hair, but all her curls disappeared. It would be just plain wrong if one of our kids didn't have curls.

Faith

My baby sister graduated. As I am fourteen years older than her, it made me feel slightly old. :-)

She did an amazing job with her concert, and it was fun to have everyone together for the weekend.

We haven't had a picture with all five of us for awhile.

Faith has endless patience with these girls of mine.
Enjoying Auntie Rae.
Faith is singing the song she wrote for me. :-) I've been teasing her for awhile that everyone has a song written for them except me. She surprised me on the night of the concert with my very own song! Someday I'll write down the words for you.

The journey continues.

I'm re-reading a book called Hinds Feet on Highplaces. It reminds me of Pilgrims Progress. I just finished a chapter where Much Afraid, the main character, and her two companions were trudging along in a thick mist, facing huge storms and scaling impossible mountains.


I found myself getting a little irritated with Much Afraid. Every time she faced another "impossible" task that the Shepherd had asked her to do, she cowered, cried, trembled, and generally turned into a sniveling little brat. (Can you tell compassion is something I need to work on at times?) I mean, come on, the Shepherd had never failed her yet. He guided her through every trial, yet the moment she had successfully gotten through one her memory seemed to desert her when it came to facing the next one. The Shepherd had to come alongside her again and again, comforting her, assuring her, telling her he would never leave her.... What a picture of patience.


And yes, then I realized that Much Afraid was a picture of me. God has been so faithful my entire life. He has never left me. Even though in the past couple of years there have been some pretty difficult mountains to scale and several patches of mist to trudge through, He has always been there holding my hand. When my memory deserts me and fear starts to set in He is quick to remind me through His Word or someone in my life that He has it all under control.


When you feel like you are trudging in a mist and not knowing what direction to go this is very comforting.


At the moment I am seeing a doctor of Chiropractic medicine in Chicago. I have personally met a few people he has helped who had cancer, one of which had the "untreatable" kind, as well. Not the same as mine, but still, the fact that his was untreatable, too, encouraged me. :-)


He adjusted me, tested my body for what it needs to heal, gave me a plan, some supplements, and encouragement. He thinks what I have is treatable. I am allowing myself to be cautiously optimistic. I don't want to because I hate getting excited and then being let down. But as Rae, my sister, firmly told me, "You have to let yourself hope, Becca. Hope is half of healing." So, I'm allowing myself to hope. If I get disappointed, well, God will help me deal with that, as well. For now, all signs point towards hope.


I was put on yet another cleanse. I'm telling you, if my innards aren't spanking clean by the end of this it won't be for lack of trying. This one was lemon juice, freshly squeeze, from two lemons, and two T. of olive oil. Shake together and enjoy. The only way I got it down was having my two girls clap their hands and shout, "Go Mommy, Go Mommy, Go Mommy!" And mommy downed it. Their favorite part was the face I made at the end of it. Mine was seeing their little faces.

I missed the part where I only had to take it seven days, so ended up taking it eleven. My liver and gall bladder should be happy for the extra cleaning they got. My taste buds are expecting thank you notes any day for what they were put through.


But you know what? I feel better. I haven't had this much energy for a very long time. Yes, I still have pain, but hardly any. I'm still on my diet that the nutritionist put me on. I had to cut my fiber in half so that my body would keep the supplements in that I'm taking and I get to have 5 oz. of plain yogurt. Also, drum roll here, I get strawberries, kiwi, cantaloupe, and now an occasional red apple. I am in heaven. Funny thing is, with this new liberty my body has craved the wrong kind of sugar more. I haven't given in, but it has been more of a test.


Below is proof of my new energy.
On our way to the Chicago Zoo.
Walking from the train to the Bean in downtown Chicago. It was a long walk, trust me.
Walking all over the Brookfield Zoo. This was an even longer walk.


And all this was done with very little sleep and taking care of my girls mostly by myself.


We got home yesterday and today I had the energy to get laundry going, grocery shop, make breakfast, and plan a park outing later today with the girls.


I feel like I'm bragging, and really, compared to what I should be able to do this isn't much, but I want you to be cautiously optimistic with me.


I haven't been given any guarantees, but I have been given something that is making me feel better now, not just playing a waiting game hoping they find something that can make me feel better eventually.


Praise God for this! He has allowed me to feel somewhat normal for the first time in a long time and for whatever time I have in this phase I am so grateful.


I'll post more pictures of our Chicago adventures in the next few days. I've got some precious pictures of my little munchkins.