"Yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's; he makes me tread on my high places."

Habakkuk 3:18-19

No catastrophe has taken place so I'll keep my promise.

I want to write in a few days.

Days when I know I will no longer feel the raw pain and disappointment my results brought today.

My oncologist stalled as he brought up my MRI photo's.

I knew he could just be unprepared, but my heart told me bad news was coming.

I couldn't hold back the tears as I saw tumors in my liver that had doubled in size the past four months.

My lung tumor has increased, as well.

It's a good thing my mom was there because I couldn't ask any questions, at all.

Questions like, "Why do I feel better if the tumors are increasing. How can I breathe better?"

His theory is that my other lung is compensating.

It's all a theory.

And there are no magic treatments just because my tumors aren't behaving like they are supposed to.

Which is GO AWAY!

I wish I had something to tell you, but I don't.

I'll have a PET scan done again, I'm sure we will consider everything all over again.

But again, considering doesn't bring any real options to the table.

Do I think my Chicago dr. is a crock?

At this point I couldn't tell you what I think about anything or anyone.

All I know is that my center hasn't changed.

God is holding me up through this. He is my solid to cling to.

I've climbed on His lap today and asked him to carry me through all of this.

Giving up is not an option.

But fighting in my own strength is beyond overwhelming right now.

I didn't want to have to share news like this.

I wanted to tell you how everything was shrinking, or at least frozen in place.

In a few days, when the newness of the latest report has worn of, Dustin and I will need prayers for direction.

I know that is what you do best.

In the meantime, God is teaching me a whole new level of rejoicing in Him.

Nervous

I am really nervous about my doctors appointment today.

So nervous that if I had any choice in the matter I would not go.

It's one of those events where I feel much safer just not knowing.

I'm feeling better.

I know I'm getting better.

But how will I feel if the tumors have grown?

That is what I'm nervous about.

Disappointment will be a given, but I don't want it to lead to anything more.

What decisions will I have to face if they are growing?

And why am I doing this to myself?

I need to be trusting in God right now and not letting the "what if's" scare me.

So.... I'm going to go pray about it, and I would appreciate if you would, as well.

Thank you!

I'll blog tonight about the results unless something catastrophic prevents me. :-)

Drugs and Dreams

A couple of mornings ago, very early, I heard a pop, pop, popping.

It went on for an extended period of time, and I remember thinking it sounded like the gunshots you hear from a distance on t.v. programs. (stellar source of knowledge, I know:-)

As soon as these popping noises stopped I heard the squeal of tires as a car rushed off.

My thoughts were this.

Should I go get Karis out of her room? After all, it was in the front of the house, and if our town was experiencing drive by shootings, the front would be where you wouldn't want to be, right?

Also, maybe I should call the police?

In fact, why weren't there sirens already roaring towards us?

Surely someone had been hit by all those shots, windows broken?

Or wait.... was I really awake? Did I dream all of that?

I still don't honestly know, my dreams have been very vivid and reality and dream world are hard to differentiate at times these days.

Like yesterday afternoon I took a nap.

In my dream all of us had gone shopping. My mom, girls, and sisters.

I had bought some cauliflower and put it in the trunk.

It had fallen to the ground before I put it in, so when we got home and I dropped it yet again I was dismayed by the damage - it was very uncauliflower like.

Soft, gooey, utterly useless.

My mom handed me a couple of tomatoes in those cellophane packages.

The package slipped out of my fingers and landed face down.

I bent to retrieve it and was again horrified to find them not only bruised, but smashed, soupy, and again, useless.

My mom, not really frustrated, but disappointed that the tomatoes were ruined said, "Here, I'll hold them."

I started to cry - really cry because I couldn't believe I was dropping things and ruining them.

Then I woke up and found myself sobbing.

The tears were really pouring down my cheeks.

So far I haven't dreamed anything more scary than drive by shootings that only make me vaguely wonder if I need to be hunkering down, odd cauliflower, and smashed tomatoes, but it leaves me wondering what is coming next.

Maybe my mind will adjust to these drugs at some point. :-)

I know my body is so grateful.

Yesterday morning I couldn't take a pill until ten because I had to drive the girls up to my parents and you don't really want me driving while on these things, trust me.

By the time I got there I was achy, grumpy, my shoulder hurt, and generally tight and uncomfortable.

I sorted through the feelings.

Was it any worse than it had been before I started taking these pills.

I had to admit that it wasn't.

Part of me immediately felt guilty.

If I could handle it before why was I needing these pills so much now?

Was I addicted already?

Then I realized that the pain had gone on so long my body had just learned to deal with it.

I was never able to relax, I was exhausted, and yes, I was in a good deal of pain.

Now for a week my body has experienced the sensations of being relaxed, able to sleep, and pain free for several hours a day while the other hours are just mildly uncomfortable.

My body is continuing to tolerate the medication and for this I praise the Lord DAILY! Thank you for the prayers on my behalf.

I loved having an adopted mother of mine call and inform me that she and God had a very stern talk during one of her walks about how I needed a pain medication that worked.

God has been so amazing to give me many prayer warriors that aren't afraid to ask for the hard stuff, even when I give up in those departments.

Loves to all!

Hummm....

Where to start?

1. I really want to be lazy right now and not write anything. It may be my meds, but I'm totally not motivated to write anything.

2. Uncle Bob, I want you to know this post is purely because I know you will come hunt me down if I don't post. :-)

3. I had an MRI today.

Mom took me.

I wasn't really worried.

I didn't even take time to paint my toenails.

Of course, I forgot one important detail of wearing a hospital gown.

You really should shave your legs.

Oops.

Yet another reason you should be allowed to wear scrubs.

It's winter!

Some of you may take the time to shave every few days, but me?

It's winter - that says it all.

But you can remedy anything if you ask for a heated blanket! :-)

Now I know why people say to always ask for one.

I'm learning the secrets...:-)

I won't hear my results until Friday at my Oncology appointment, but I'll let you know a.s.a.p!

4. So far so good with my pain meds.

Keep praying.

The relief from constant pain is indescribable.

I'd like to keep it.

The groggy, sleepy feeling is nothing to complain about, either.

For the first time in months I've felt like I can truly relax.

So wonderful!

5. I said goodbye to Gotein today in favor of fresh goat milk.

It tastes great.

Not quite as sweet as from a cow, but, not goaty, either.

That not goaty part? That's huge in my book!

6. My naturopathic doctor thinks my cancer can reasonably be assumed dead.

I'm praying he is right.

I want to believe him, and I think I do.... It's the whole "ye of little faith" thing.

My MRI won't show one way or another. A tumor looks the same dead or alive.

What I'm praying for is that they will have shrunk at least a little so my faith can have sight!

That's why I'm a bit nervous about Friday.

It is so easy for me to get emotionally discouraged; my prayers at this moment are that even if the tumors show they have grown, somehow God will give me the strength to keep on keeping on.

That, and believing that what I am doing is indeed killing the cancer, even if I can't see it.

I feel better, my lung feels better.

Dustin and Mom are so good at reminding me of that!

Love all of you!

My foggy world....

Sorry that once again I've let so much time laps.

Last Saturday I was up all night with a joint in my shoulder that throbbed, and throbbed, and throbbed.

Maybe a half hour of sleep.

The next day usually brings some relief, but not this time.

My hip and lower back were the culprits, as was a splitting headache.

All I wanted to do was sleep, but lying down was agony.

Since we were at my parents they watched helplessly as I walked around trying to get relief.

That is almost the worst part of the pain, knowing others are suffering along with you.

Suffering and frustrated that they can't do anything.

By evening the pain had lessened somewhat, and I felt that maybe I could get some sleep.

Ten minutes later I knew that wouldn't be the case.

Emotionally I knew I couldn't face another night of pain without sleep.

I am such a tightwad, though, that I didn't want to shell out the money for the emergency room, the only thing open that time of night.

Pain won out, and I asked my poor husband, who had finished packing all our stuff for Chicago and settled down to watch a little basketball, to escort me to the emergency room.

He is a saint!

Especially for packing my stuff. :-) Girls are kind of hard to pack for, I'm discovering.

He got dressed, grabbed some electronic gear in case we were waiting for forever, and off we went.

I really felt like we should be having a baby, as those are the only other times we have headed to the hospital at that time of night. :-)

The waiting room was full when we walked into the ER and I had a sinking feeling we would be sitting there half the night with flu victims.

I signed in, praying that it would be fast. My pain wasn't agonizing, but relief would be welcome.

God answered that prayer, and then some.

Our backsides didn't even touch the waiting room chairs, in fact I felt a little guilty as we were ushered right back to the check in room and then to the treatment room.

I was further shocked when the doctor proceeded the nurse into the room moments after we had been placed there.

If this was an example of the ER, I would have to come more often.

After describing my allergies, symptoms, etc., I was given a shot in my bum. (the only place with enough fat for a shot, I was told. :-)

Sweet relief!

It made me dizzy, but it also made me blessedly relaxed and sleepy.

This story will have to be continued..... if I don't post now, it won't be posted for at least another day:-)

Or week..... as life has been going:-)

Just so you know, I'm doing fine. Chicago went well. Eating is happening. More details to come.

Nah..Naaa....Naaahhhh

In case you didn't realize it, the above is meant to sound like a goat.

If I can't do cow, I'm moving onto goat.

Those little creatures are a little scarce in the milk department this time of year, so, we went to goat whey protein.

Gotein, I do believe.

I'm finally giving into my stomach.

It's been rejecting nuts, which after I looked into it, made sense.

Did you know nuts are one of the hardest foods to digest?

And meat for me six times a day is beyond impossible.

I really am almost to the feeding tube stage after this past bout with the flu, so we are fighting it our own way.... well whey, tee hee hee. :-)

I'm like a baby.

Mom fed me rice, squash, oatmeal, and protein drinks today.

And blueberries. Yummy, yummy blueberries.

At a total of 2200 calories on a day where I'm not quite better we feel pretty good about it.

Best of all, my stomach feels good about it.

It went down easy without me feeling sick, and that is such an answer to prayer.

I really was ready to consider a feeding tube.

I'm counting on some little goats to start producing milk.

Goat milk fresh tastes just like cow milk - IF you get the right goats.

However, goat milk in whey protein form.... Hummm.... shall we say I could imagine a goat standing right there staring me down as I gulped my "new" chocolate milk.

Even a goat staring at me is better than nuts at this point, so I shall not complain.... I shall not...shall not.... :-)

This time, I'm praying that nothing else disrupts my weight gain, and that soon I'll be able to tolerate food that packs more of a punch.

Good news in the brother-in-law department. He got the tube and packing taken out of his nose today and it is no longer bleeding. The doctors are watching it, as well as his blood pressure. If it remains stable he should be able to go home soon. Pray for some answers, though. This hardly ever happens, apparently, so they are unsure what caused it, or if it could happen again. Makes me think of when I kept getting confusing answers about what I have. It's frustrating.

Love you all! Think of me if you see any goats!

So.....

No matter how hard I try, weight seems to allude me.

The past three days have been ones battling the flu around here.

I've had it, the girls, my sisters....

Thankfully it hasn't been the "puking your guts out" kind, but I've had a really hard time getting food down and keeping it in.

Gone are the days I can lay there and refuse food.

Mom has made sure I've gotten at least 1400 calories in, despite a rolling stomach.

It is so hard not to get discouraged.

Add onto that the fact that I can't tolerate dairy yet.

Nothing major, but when flecks of blood started showing up again and I'm more congested I conceded to the obvious, yet again.

My body doesn't like dairy.

Or at least my lung doesn't.

Sigh.... no more chocolate milk....

I know God has a plan in all this, it's just hard to see at the moment.

Today I feel a little better - not great, but a little better.

Mainly I'm writing to pass on a couple of prayer requests.

First, my brother-in-law is in the hospital because he randomly started bleeding from his nose a few days ago. The doctors aren't positive what is causing it, but are hoping that it has been stopped. He will find out today or tomorrow, but we would appreciate prayers for healing.

Second, A precious family I know has had a close fellow believer falsely accused of a crime and facing up to 60 years in prison for it. I don't know any details, but I know it is really causing them a lot of pain. My prayer is that the truth will set the believer free.

Love you all!

Now.... off to attempt the seemingly impossible task of weight gain. Who would have thunk?