Tuesday, April 26, 2011

He is there.....

I've wanted to write this post for sometime, but haven't because it is a hard one.

I've had some tough times in my life, but the past couple of months trumped them.

God has brought me to my knees, literally, in tears. Realizing that I have nowhere to turn but to Him.

Never before in my life have I been so tired and weak that there are days I don't shower.

I've always been a religiously once a day kind of gal.

Cooking rarely, if ever happens, and usually it is just to warm something up that someone else has made. Even pulling something out of the freezer can sometimes be overwhelming.

I don't clean my house, rarely do a load of laundry, and can't take care of my girls by myself.

For someone who has wanted so much to be a stay at home wife and mother....

This hurts.

And my health scares the daylights out of me when I think about it too long.

Even gaining weight seems to be out of my control.

Now, my body is rejecting my pain meds.

I've wanted it to be anything and everything else, but it's not.

And you know what? It's not so bad that they are being rejected. I really only need them when I'm in extreme pain.

What is bad is this.

They are addicting and I have to slowly go off them so as not to go through withdrawal too terribly.

They make me sick with flu like symptoms, which means I lose weight and am too sick to eat sometimes.

One more thing taken out of my hands.

I feel like I'm complaining here. I'm trying not to.

I want you to know where I'm at.

Maybe understand the people in your lives better who are going through medical issues.

Never really being sick in my life I think I thought you got sick, went to the doctor, and got better somehow.

Seems there is another side of it.

A side that can bring you to the point where relying on God is the only possible option.

A place I should be in all the time.

I'm not giving up on the medical field... well, at least the more natural one.

So far all the regular one has done for me is scare the bejeebies out of me on a regular bases. I can't keep doing that to myself when they aren't offering any solutions.

Not sure what to do about that yet.

Anyway.... today with our Tuesday meal Carol sent a letter.

She may have written it, but I think it came straight from God to me.

Dear Rebecca,

When you are the neediest, He is the most sufficient.

When you are completely helpless, He is the most helpful.

When you feel totally dependent, He is absolutely dependable.

When you are the weakest, He is most able!

When you are the most alone, He is intimately present.

When you feel you are the least, He is the greatest.

When you feel you are useless, He is preparing you.

When it is darkest, He is the only light you need.

When you feel the least secure, He is your Rock and Fortress.

When you are the most humble, He is the most gracious.

When you can't, He can!

I read that with tears to Dustin. Sitting in all my unwashed, unbrushed, stinky glory. :-)

God is here for me, right now, in the midst of everything.

I don't know the outcome of my life, no one does except Him.

You may not have cancer or the physical struggles that some of us face, but are there any of us who really have any control of our lives?

Some of us just have it shown to us a little more clearly at times.

I need your prayers like never before, but I also want you to know that He is there for you, too, no matter what you are going through.

He is there!


Lynn said...

Thank you for sharing your heart and struggles with us, Becca. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you, and I am thankful that you have your hope in the Lord! As I read your post I kept thinking of this song - perhaps it is familiar to you.


God is faithful!

MommaMindy said...

Praying, crying, praying, crying and loving you with all my heart.

Yellow Daisy Momma said...

Beautiful, heartbreaking, and challenging, in true PJ fashion!!

judy thorson said...

Thank you for sharing with us, Becca. Our church family is praying and caring for you constantly. There are 4 frozen meals for you right now in the freezer. I pray you will have the strength to pull those out for your precious family and you.

The Daniel Den said...

Becca- The Lord is so mighty! Thank you for being REAL and HONEST! The Lord is perfect power and hanging on by your fingernails some days is all we have but His peace and joy flood in and sweet relief that we are not doing this alone in this life or all of eternity! Praying for you and for wisdom and peace!!

Amy@My Front Porch said...

Thanks for sharing that letter, I loved reading it. And it's true. I know I'm not in a place of nearly as much suffering as you are but I've found that the times God worked most mightily in my life are always the ones that have been most difficult for me. We are praying for you!