I haven't written in forever because, frankly, I've been so discouraged.
Gaining weight is just stinkin' hard.
I'll put on four pounds, then have a couple of bad days and be right back where I started.
You see, this is what happens.
Because I am so underweight, I suffer joint pain and exhaustion.
In the past two weeks joint pain has kept me up twice most of the night, if not all night.
That hurts a normal, healthy person.
It turns me into a zombie.
The vicious cycle keeps repeating itself.
I need to gain weight so I can get rid of the exhaustion and joint pain.
The joint pain keeps me exhausted and from gaining weight.
Yesterday I was up at Mom's and she was telling me a story about my uncle.
At sixteen or seventeen he got super sick and was in the hospital for most of a summer.
During that time he went from 160 to 110, or 98, I've heard both.
The point is, he lost a ton of weight and was worse off than I am.
However, my mom said my grandma, great aunt and the nurses were feeding him every two hours around the clock. Even if he wanted to refuse he was force fed.
Tears came to my eyes.
Did I dare say what I was thinking?
Mom already does so much for me, but I knew I needed just that.
A nurse to force food down my throat when all I felt like doing was curling up in a ball and shutting out the world.
I know I need to gain more than anything.... but pain and exhaustion.... well, they win.
My mom's words were, "I'll be your nurse, but you have to eat what I feed you!"
And today I'm doing just that. Planting myself up here and eating what I'm given.
It's a good thing my mom isn't keeping tabs because I will never be able to pay her back.
On the bright side, my lung is still doing great.
This seems like a silly request, but would you pray that the dairy I'm trying in my diet won't make me cough up blood?
I'm hoping my lung is far enough along that it won't bug it so much.
You see.... my mom makes this amazing chocolate milk. It tastes like 2% with chocolate syrup in it.
There is no sugar, nothing I can't have, except dairy.
The calories are so easy to get down that way, and right now, any easy calories are welcome.
Hopefully the next time I write about my weight the progress will be significant.