Four things

1. Yesterday I drove to my oncology appointment with two empty car seats.

My aunt was watching the girls so I could concentrate on the words of my doctor and not on those Tinkerbell stickers and potty breaks.

I pulled into the parking garage and it was packed, as usual. A reminder that there are a lot of very sick people out there. Which makes me sad.

I was afraid that I would have to drive all the way to the top when I spotted an opening close to the front.

Then I noticed that they were reserved.

I've never qualified for the reserved before, except for the expecting mothers one which only seem to be open when I don't show at all:-), so I almost drove past this one when the words registered.

"Reserved for cancer patients"

I still don't think of myself as a cancer patient.

But you know what? An open parking spot is an open parking spot. And if I have to admit that I have something serious wrong with me to get it, I guess I can do that.

Hopefully I won't qualify for that spot for much longer. It's one that I would happily relinquish and walk from the top of the parking garage.

2. My second oncology visit was a little better than the first.

I have discovered a trick for getting right into an appointment.

A project.

I actually needed extra time to address envelopes, etc. When I arrived fifteen minutes early I was thrilled. My projects would get done.

The envelopes got pulled out, one addressed, and I got called back to get some blood drawn. (14 minutes early)

I pulled out another one and I almost finished it when the nurse called me.

I weighed in, was deposited into my room, and once again pulled out my envelopes.

I think I got two addressed and stuffed when my doctor walked in. (12 minutes early)

See? I've done this once before and it worked the same way.

If you bring nothing to do you wait forever. :-) I'm convinced it must be written into the waiting room rules.

3. I haven't had another scan done, so my visit was mostly more information about what I have and a report on what the cancer board has said about my case.

I still am not sure exactly who is on the cancer board, just various specialists from all over.

It makes me feel a little strange to know that a bunch of doctors from all over are looking at all my information and discussing my case.

Without even seeing me or knowing how I tick they are discussing what should be done. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it's just weird.

Some say cut out the right lung.

Others say lazar the lesions on my liver.

My doctor (and can I just say I praise God for giving me Dr. Lair? I do!) looked at me after explaining my options and said,

"You are actually doing very well for someone with Carcinoid. Often people who have it

(not to gross you out) have the runs 30-40 times a day."

Ok, yes, I'm doing very well. You couldn't leave the house! Or the bathroom!

He is not convinced that the spots on my liver are carcinoid. They very well could be, but they have to see if they grow or not.

Basically it is a waiting game. Being too aggressive, as in removing lung and spots on liver, could, according to him, cause me to have more problems then I currently have. He doesn't want to stick his head in the sand and ignore my problems, but he doesn't want to do too much and cause my body more trauma than necessary if it isn't going to help in the long run.

I was waiting for him to say I had heard him wrong and chemo and radiation were an option.

They still aren't.

And the shot, Ostreotide, is only effective for 20% of those who get it, I found out.

I told him about my chiropractor and what I'm taking, also the results I'm getting.

I always get a little nervous when I tell my doctors I'm doing other things besides the normal medical route, but I guess in this case he is probably glad I'm doing something else since there is nothing at the moment for them to do but wait and watch.

4. Yesterday made me wonder how many, many others sit there and hear the same thing.

What are the thoughts that run through there minds?

How hopeless do some feel who have a far more aggressive disease than I have?

How would I feel if God hadn't graciously directed me to alternatives?

The thought of the pain, coughing up blood, and lack of energy make me grateful.

Grateful I have something that is able to be helped somewhat by what my nutritionist and chiropractor are doing.

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but I will trust in the Name of the Lord my God." Psalm 20:7

I'm not sure what the outcome of this will be, but His Name is to be trusted. I'm fighting this, but God knows my outcome and I will trust Him for it. :-) I'm in good hands, and He has proven Himself faithful in every way so far by giving me the doctors He has and the people He has placed around me.

Next time I'll tell you about how I ran away for the weekend! :-) It's much better than an oncology visit, I promise!

Summer is crazy, isn't it?

I just realized I haven't written anything for five days. That seems like a long time, for some reason.

It's just busy.

And for me, being busy means I'm feeling better.

Though, there is a downside to being busy.

I have a hard time eating like I should and everything I should.

Today I found myself forgetting to drink.

I have to get at least 64oz. in, 90 is ideal.

When you have a few sips to swallow your pills and then forget to drink until around 12, well, it's hard to get it in. It isn't a good idea to start after five, believe me. :-)

Right now I have about 3 cups of vegetables left to eat. 32 oz of water, at least.

A couple of servings of Psyllium Husk, my bean substitute.

Some raw garlic, and maybe a little protein.

This wouldn't be that big of deal except it is 6pm.

I doubt I'll get the veggies all in, maybe two cups, but hopefully all the rest will get taken care of.

It has become more clear to me in the last month than it even has before why it is so hard to eat healthy in America.

We are BUSY.

Even as a stay at home mom I'm often too busy to eat right.

Junk food is much easier.

Fish sticks vs. the real thing.

Hot dogs vs healthy meat.

Cereal vs. oatmeal or eggs

Ice cream snack vs. veggies.

Noodles vs meat, veggies, beans.

It's hard! My awe to those who do it regularly and have done it for a long time.

My sympathy for those of you who are like me and need to eat right and have to eat right, and have little kids and busy lives. :-0

My prayers for those of you who are thinking of starting to eat in a healthier way! :-)

And that is all of my rambling. I'm off to fill my body with good things.

Oh, I have another oncology visit on tuesday. Nothing new, just talk over what he has found out over the last two months. Dustin is coming this time, not Karis, so I may get a few more questions in, not be distracted by Tinkerbell (I hope he doesn't being stickers:-) and he will probably remember more than I will. :-)

Just Cause...

There isn't any reason for this picture. Just my little Gabi being goofy. She has an expressive face just like her daddy. Both can make me laugh without saying a thing.

The way my mind works.

A few nights ago I was watching Bones.

They were trying to solve a case where someones bones had been used in multiple grafts.

The problem with these bones was that the person who owned them had died of a cancer that had spread to all of the bones.

The recipients of them were contracting the same form of cancer, some dying of it.

Someone made a huge mistake that time.

Wonder if it happens in real life?

Why this was on my mind this morning, I don't know, but as I got to the grocery store and started to get out of my car I was struck with a thought.

I just checked the little "yes" box the last time I got my license. It took me that long to be able to be ok with the fact that they would take certain parts of me and give them to someone else if something unforeseen should happen.

As a side note, I really feel like that is a big decision to make at the DOT.

Think about it.

You stand there, answering all these boring questions about you, and then all of a sudden you get hit with the bombshell.

Do you want to give your heart or liver away, maybe an eyeball or two, possibly a set of lungs, and whatever else that can be transferred to another person?

I don't know about you, but this happens to me every time.

I freeze.

Do I?

Then I realize about 30 people are in line behind me.

Waiting.

They don't care what decision I make, really, they just want to get on with their day.

Seriously, they should be a little patient with me. What if one of them were the ones who might get one of my organs if they would just give me time to think. Honestly people! Although I know I've been one of the impatient ones. I'll try to be more understanding next time. After all, they could be making a big decision like me, or... they could have forgotten their address. :-)

I don't break out in a sweat, or anything, but I do get a tad bit warm.

I tell myself they don't rush my death, just because I check the box.

But what if?

I know it's the movies, but that niggling doubt that they might hurry my demise along just a little to get the aforesaid lung or eyeball is still there.

See.... this decision should be made in a nice quiet place. No pressure. A nice environment. Does it really have to be on your license?

Good thing I don't have to renew for another few years. I don't think I could handle it every few months.

Though, actually, my picture is horrible.

I hate it every time I have to pull it out.

My face looks round and fat.

My hair awful.

Seriously. It is a drivers license picture that lives up to it's name.

I may stand in line just to get another one.

How sad is that. Vanity, vanity.

Maybe I'll lose it on purpose.

How come when Gabi goes through my purse she manages to lose my debit card and library card, but not the card I really want to lose? We will have to work on that one.

And because she lost my debit card, I have to write checks. When you write checks you have to show your license. Ugg.. I may be at the DOT tomorrow!

But, back to my topic.

I made that big step.

I overcame my fear of giving my innards away if the need should so arise.

And???

I get to keep everything anyway. :-) Funny how that all works out.

It made me a little sad.

I probably would have never donated any part, but just the fact that my body isn't healthy enough to give parts of it to anyone else is sad to me.

Another reality of being a little sick that I had never thought about before now.

All these thoughts while I walked through the parking lot and into our store. Makes me wonder what everyone else is thinking as they buy dish soap and trash bags. I'd love to know.

And that is a glimpse of what's gone on in a portion of my mind today.

I'd better be careful what I watch or who knows what else will go on in there. :-)

Thanks for listening to me ramble.

Disappointment is inevitable, discouragement is a choice.

I know I've shared this quote before, but it sums up my life at the moment.

I've let myself get discouraged.

Not that my life is all disappointments.

It's not.

There are so many, many amazing things going on.

But I've let myself get discouraged about the disappointments.

Emphasis on I'VE. I'm afraid I've been leaving God out of the picture.

Not intentionally.

I've had all the trips to Chicago.

We haven't been going to my mom's, so I'm busy keeping our lives somewhat together.

For some reason God is the first thing that slips.

And when my time with God slips, discouragement sets in.

There are always disappointments in life, but with God's help they can remain disappointments and not turn into discouragement, leading to depression.

It has been disappointing that even though I'm feeling better recovery is so SLOW! I want all my hurt and pain, tiredness and coughing to be gone now. Not lingering along the edges of my life.

(I want to be able to eat SUGAR! And I have a few times, and that is part of my problem. But I'm trying to do better again. It's hard to get out of a long standing cycle. I always turn to sugar when I'm discouraged. In my case that is dangerous at this point. Sugar is just compounding my problem.)

The last week or so I've let that disappointment turn into discouragement, and it's not pretty how feeling sorry for yourself can make you.

I could say it's because I'm tired, all the traveling, but that would be a lie. It's just plain old discouragement that I've let take over.

Yes, it is hard to wake up knowing your day is going to be a struggle simply because you don't feel 100%. Also knowing that two little girls are going to tax what energy you do manage to dredge up. But it can be done with God's help. And it can be done well. I am quoting, "With God, all things are possible" over and over again lately.

Today I want to focus on my Lord. The only one in my life who can turn the disappointments into things to rejoice in.

So I don't feel 100%, at least I am way better than I was.

My girls are healthy and want to get into everything. I'd rather have it that way than two little ones who are lethargic and don't care about what is going on around them.

It might be a little harder to get over the disappointment of yesterdays primaries. Do people really think it is going to help Iowa's economy to put someone back in office who was part of the process of todays problems in the first place? But that is a completely different problem, and I hate politics. However, if I were in charge of the world.... :-) Thankfully I'm not. I'm just trusting that God is in his Heaven, He knows what is going on, and somehow everything will work out for His purposes. :-)

Glad I can trust in that in the big and the little goings on of this life.

Everyone have a wonderful day. Thanks for your prayers.

She ain't gonna' be cheap...

Karis was sitting on the couch a couple of days ago reading a counting book.

On the last page her face lit up, and she squealed out excitedly,

"Look Mom!"

I glanced at the page and saw a bunch of little items on each flap. When you opened the flaps the number of the items was listed below.

Two in particular caught her attention; she proceeded to explain why.

"Boys don't like these, but girls LOVE flowers and diamonds!"

If I knew who her future intended was I'd jot him a note and tell him to start saving now. :-)

I'm beginning to feel like a commuter:-)

A commuter to Chicago. I've been out three times in the past two weeks.

If you were to ask me where something in the western suburbs are, I actually might be able to get you there. :-) At least a few places. Like Whole Foods, Kohls, Starbucks (although with Starbucks you will probably run into one of those blindfolded without too much problem), and, of course the doctor and downtown.

This time I had the privilege of taking Dustin along. We decided to make a date out of it and hit downtown.

The train is the best way to go there if you don't want to tackle the traffic and the parking.
As we were waiting several trains thundered past. Their roaring massiveness made it hard to sit calmly on the bench some 20 feet away. I was positive one of the cars would come flying off and crush us. :-)

Once there, we walked, and walked, and walked, and walked. Our goal was Navy Pier.
We got a little distracted. Dustin decided that once the kids are all grown up we will live in one of these high rises. Preferably the penthouse, of course. :-)
We will also get one of these tiny little boats. :-)
Won't he make a great captain? You won't find me complaining when he wants to take me out on the water. :-)
I love my sweetie! He was amazing and took great care of me.
This is as close as we got to the Navy Pier. I was all tuckered out, so we settled for the security pier. At least that is what I called it, since all the police boats were tied up to it.
Not exactly sure what this is, but the redness fascinated both of us. We are quite easily amused. I was a tad nervous to stand this close because the water seriously looks as if their should be several dead bodies in it.

My health remains about the same. I'm a bit worn out from all the trips and a few rough nights and 5:30 mornings with Gabi. No dramatic difference, but little steps in the right direction.

Well, I'm off to do laundry and clean a couple of bedrooms that two little girls, I won't mention names, have destroyed. :-)