Hunkering down and Humbled

Today I feel like the proverbial onion. Only I have no center, just layer upon layer of filthy, sinful self that needs to be peeled off.

I have time on my hands to think on things like this these days.

There is no rushing from activity, to project, and back again.

Yesterday morning I straightened up a bit before my amazing cleaning fairies paid their visit.

I wanted to get a roast in the crock pot before we went to my mom's to get out of their way.

First the meat went in, then I paused for a rest. Honestly, sometimes I just hunker down on the kitchen floor for a bit, willing energy back into my body.

This happened between the carrots and the potatoes, putting in the water, and getting the kids out the door.

It's a lot of hunkering. :-)

For those of you who don't know the definition of "hunker", for me it's squating down on my feet and resting my head on my knees. Wherever I currently am in the house.

Dustin gives me the once over every time he catches me in that position.

I can read his mind, "Do I need to help her, ignore her, keep talking like she is in a normal position?"

These days he usually just keeps talking, trusting I'll tell him if I need help. :-)

And I ask myself, "What's it like to be married to a woman who randomly hunkers down in the middle of things?"

I know the cause isn't amusing, but honestly, it's kind of funny when you think about it.

At least I think it is. I'm not in pain, just fueling up for the next task.

Anyway, that was a rabbit trail.

Having so little energy is a chip at my pride.

Realizing I have to rest between simple activities like putting a roast in the crock pot is humbling.

And then I take a look at my insides during those rest periods and realize I have a whole lot of pride that needs to die in my life.

God is working at it, and I am trying to be willing as those scaly layers come slowly off.

I'm noticing a pattern in my own life - I don't know if it is the same in everyones.

When God gets me to let go of my pride it turns into humility, humility turns to thankfulness.

It took a long time for my pride to admit I needed more help then just my immediate family. They suffered because of it. Not that they would ever say that, but they did more than they needed to do.

When I finally got the pride out of the way.... and doesn't pride so cleverly disguise itself?

I let myself think it was because I didn't want to inconvenience anyone. Or take advantage of someone, because did I really need help?

Those may have been somewhat true, but pride played a big part. I didn't want to admit I needed it. I was going to be the one who could still do it all, even with a tumor in my lung.

I'm glad God didn't let me stay that way. (And so is my family:-)

It is humbling each time someone brings a meal.

But it is also a time of thanksgiving.

Two days ago the deacons and pastors met to pray for me.

Dustin and I felt that this was a step of obedience we needed to take in accordance with James 5:14, "Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him,..."

For some reason it has taken us this long for us to ask for this particular prayer, and I can't tell you why it took us so long. Was it me? It very well could have been. Whatever the reason, we finally asked.

And again I felt pride sneaking in.

I don't want to be one of the "sick" among them.

I knew these men were busy. They have families and things to do on a Tuesday night. They serve the church family all the time. I felt unworthy of bringing them out just for me. And well that sounds humble, I think it is just backwards pride.

It is a command of God, we were following it, and they were helping me obey.

And can I just say it was an amazing experience?

As these men gathered around me, pouring their hearts out before God, I felt loved, humbled beyond belief, and reminded who is in control of all that is going on.

I knew without a shadow of a doubt God could heal me in that instant.

I also knew He may have other plans for me in this tumor.

One of them may be to continue to strip me of my pride and self centeredness.

Because one thing I realized again in those moments of prayer is that it isn't all about me.

I am just a little part of the huge body of Christ.

My hurt affects them - I think I realized just how much as these men were unafraid to show their tears in their prayers.

Prayers for me.

What a blessing to be part of such an amazing family.

Sunday

Yesterday I went to church twice.

By myself because Dustin was working.

Ok, not technically by myself in the morning because my family was there.

But at night it was by myself.

I'm sharing this because it felt so nice and normal. I hadn't done that for a long time.

I hadn't been able to do it for a long time because I either was in pain or tired.

Yesterday I was tired a bit, cause I just am, and I need to catch up on sleep, but almost pain free. :-)

It was so fun to take the girls to their Shine program last night. To watch them be a little nervous at the beginning.

Then when I picked them up be jumping up and down (at least Karis) with excitement.

I think some of the excitement could have been due to the ice cream they got because it was the first night. :-)

But I felt so normal.

I almost felt guilty when people came up and said they would be bringing meals and wondering how I was doing.

In moments like yesterday I can almost imagine away the tumor in my lung.

But the fact remains that it is still there, and I still need help.

This morning I feel my yesterday a little bit. My body is telling me to take things a little more easy on the good days.

To not try and do it all.

I didn't try and do it all... my kitchen is a disaster to prove it.

But today I will try and take it a little slower.

Try to be patient with the healing process - I'm praying that is what is happening here.

Why I'm getting more energy.

And to be grateful for the three wonderful friends I have who set up THREE months of meals, three times a week.

These ladies are amazing!

And I'm going to accept every single one of them, even if I start getting more energy.

I'm telling myself this because I know me. I'll feel better, then I'll be like, "I don't want people to have to bring meals if I feel ok..." and then I'll wear myself out again and be back where I started.

So, I'll accept the gift being given.

With a grateful heart. :-)

12. Three months of meals

13. Friends who care

14. A church family who loves us

15. Energy yesterday

16. Getting a hug and an "I love you with my whole heart" from Gabi when she first woke up.

17. little girls

Today I'm going to borrow an idea from a friend, who borrowed it from a blog she reads.

The idea was shared at least a month ago, but I've been putting it off.

Too often, lately, I found myself complaining and not being thankful.

So, here is the idea. Commit yourself to writing down 1000 things you are thankful for.

Since I'm not real good at following through myself, I think I'll keep accountable to you by just posting those random things on the end of my ramblings.

I'm sure many of them will seem odd, might not make sense, but I find I often need the reminder in my life.

So.... here goes the first few. 1000 seems like an awful lot right now. This could take years! :-)

1. I slept last night.

2. I felt like getting out of bed this morning when Gabi woke me up.

3. People bringing yummy meals that I don't have to cook.

4. Beautiful fall weather.

5. The hugs of a little girl who whispers "I love you, mommy" in my ear.

6. Forgetting to ask Gabi all during church if she had to go "tinkle" and discovering she still had a dry pull-up when we got home.

7. Gabi's strong bladder! God knew what I needed in this child!

8. That I can drink without gagging the new supplement drink I'm trying out! So many healthy things make you gag, I'm discovering. :-)

9. God's unlimited forgiveness when I rant and rave, sometimes blaming Him for how I feel. Thank you, God.....

10. Grandma taking Karis on a picnic by the pond.

11. Flip flops ( I will probably wear them until the first snow)

Ahhhh.....

While we were on vacation this summer, we had a special treat.

Jess has a sister, Sarah. Sarah runs a studio which you can check out at www.threewishesphotography.com

She is super talented, and she shared that talent with us.

Driving an hour, with a detour, just to take some family photos.

On her own time.

Giving us all the rights to the photos.

What a huge blessing.

I only picked a few to share. They were all so amazing I wanted to put them all up, but I don't have the patience to download all of them, so you just get a few. :-)

Enjoy!

Yes, we do all adore him!
We randomly found this amazing old rusty truck. Dustin was afraid he was going to fall through the floor board, but he stuck it out and we got some great shots.
I love, love, love, love this man!



And these two little girls!
Couldn't you just eat her up?

Thanks Sara for the amazing shots. I can't wait to get them up around the house!

PET, CAT, and MRI's

Two years I had no idea what these initials stood for.

Today I have no further enlightenment. My own choice, I assure you. There is a limit to the amount of medical terms you want to know about, I've discovered. :-)

Unless you like medical terms, then I'm sure you want to know what these mean.

I, for one, am content to let my knowledge end with experiencing them.

Though sometimes, in moments where my mind wanders, I do wonder if the person who named them liked pets or especially cats, and made the initials like that on purpose, but that is as far as I will go.

And MRI's.... All I can think about when I hear about an MRI is a story where a metal i.v. stand got into a room while an MRI was on and flew out of the nurses hands directly towards the machine. The results were not at all comforting and very sad.

At my one and only MRI I prayed that if I had to die it would be from natural causes and not a metal i.v. stand. Seriously, I did.

I will probably repeat this prayer several times in the future.

Why are these initials on my mind?

I have a date with one of them the end of this month.

At first it was the PET/CAT.

But you see, I've had about 6, possibly 7 dates with Petcat already.

He is amazing at seeing right through you, probably better than any man around. :-)

Not to mention that the drink he gives me lights my innards like a christmas tree - the downside is that it tastes like I would imagine Windex tastes.

I might have said that before.

However, after so many dates I decided to investigate Petcat.

I was a tad uneasy about my findings.

He is good at seeing the "real you".

However, the Chicago Tribune mentioned in a recent article that of the 70million (I'm not the only one receiving his attention, obviously:-) people having dates with Petcat, he will be responsible for 29,000 new cancers.

29,000! That is a tad bit disconcerting.

I decided that maybe I'd better be cautious about the future contact I had with Petcat when I read several other articles stating much the same thing.

Plus the fact that Mr. Petcat gives you at least 500x the radiation in your body that a normal x-ray does. Just a little fun fact.

Oh, and you receive more radiation from one petcat than you do all year working in a nuclear plant.

And that radiation never leaves your body. I'm told that a 100 years after I die my body will still be glowing. Not sure what to think about that fact.

Now, I hate to rock the boat. I'd rather just be that person who does whatever their dr. says.

I'm learning to be my own advocate, though.

I reasoned that continuing to have dates with Petcat might be detrimental to my health.

With bated breath I called my oncologist and requested a cancellation.

I'm not trying to be difficult.

I want my tumor monitored as much as anyone.

Well, maybe not as much as my husband, but I really want to know what is going on.

Except on the days I'm afraid it's growing...

I'd rather be in denial - that's just how I work. What you don't see isn't real.

My oncologist was very understanding.

He may think I'm crazy, but he doesn't let me know to my face. :-)

Now I have a date with the MRI.

I'm not as worried about him.

Well.... cept for the metal i.v. stand. :-)

But God's got it covered - I'm sure.

Not that I won't remind Him before I go in to have only plastic in the room.

I'll let you know how it goes.

My girls

We used her last diaper sometime last week. I'm going to cautiously say she is potty trained.

We had gone four days without any accidents - even when wearing a pull up. Today she had two, but both times she was outside. We will see how it goes tomorrow. I may be doing a little retraining.

The stinky part was hard. She always sneaks off when she has to go. I can't watch her 24/7 so I would always miss the opportunity. Today she did it again only this time she snuck off to her potty chair! VICTORY! Now we will hope it lasts. I really am grateful. A week is not very long at all in the big scheme of things.

I will say that Chuck E Cheese once again played a big part in the success of this venture. What would we do without that place?
Daddy working on helping Karis learn to ride without the training wheels. She can go about a foot without crashing! :-)
Helping little sister learn to peddle.

What I accomplished doing nothing today:-)

My mom made a comment today.

Let me preface the comment.

I was up at my parents and Karis and Mom went to get Faith at the airport.

I stayed there, put Gabi to bed.

Weighed myself - freaked out! But that is for another post.

Promptly ate everything I could stomach and somethings I couldn't.

Looked around the kitchen and thought maybe I could surprise mom and actually do something for her for a change.

I finished eating, took a call I had to take, and they walked in the door.

I accomplished zero besides talking on the phone and eating.

I shared that with my mom and she just looked at me a little puzzled.

You see, mom's always know you better than you do yourself.

She said, "Did you really expect to get a lot accomplished today?"

Not in a mean way, or a snide way, but in a puzzled way.

I thought of that later as I was getting ready to take a clay bath (once again for another post) and started crying.

The truth is, I do. I wake up every day and think I'll be able to accomplish more. That I'll feel better. That life for this mommy will be normal again.

I don't know why I'm surprised when it isn't that way. I should be used to it by now, or maybe I never want to get used to that feeling because I'll stop fighting for me to be healthy again.

And then my mom reminded me what was accomplished today with my doing nothing.

My house is clean and my laundry folded thanks to Grandma Karen and Aunt Linda.

I have dinner coming to my door tonight thanks to my wonderful church family.

I was able to give my girls lots of hugs.

God is taking care of us, even when there is not much of anything this mommy can do at the moment.

All I can say is a humble thank you to everyone in my life who is stepping in when I am unable to.