Mixed emotions

I've sat down to write this several different times.

Each time my mood has varied.

Encouraged.

Depressed.

I can beat this!

I just want to curl up and let me know when it is all over.

Denial.

Reality.

This morning these words describe it best.

"When peace like a river attends my soul,

When sorrows like sea billows roll.

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul."

And it is. God is faithful. Even when I have to write the next words.

I have cancer.

I knew that a month ago, but these last tests somehow make it more real.

Wednesday night I was brushing my teeth and glanced in the mirror.

I looked at my face, a face I've seen in the mirror for almost 32 years, now.

And I said it.

Yes, with a toothbrush in my mouth. :-)

I told myself that I had cancer.

And then I let myself cry.

There have been several times I have broken down, just thinking about the battle ahead. The decisions we have to make.

I may go into detail about our Mayo visit at a later date, but the basics are this.

The tumor in my lung is unchanged after two years. This, in itself is a good thing, I guess. At least it isn't growing at alarming rates.

I have small (largest spot is 8mil.) spots in my liver. Without being 100% sure they are saying it is probably carcinoid, as well. Unfortunately the fact that there are several small ones and not one large one make surgery to remover them in lung or liver not an option.

Enter the land of Chemo.

The good news is that my blood work, my hormone level, and the rest of my body is in excellent shape.

Why is this good?

It buys us some time to figure out what we are going to do.

Pray for us.

We have an appointment with an Oncologist on March 1st at Mayo.

I made an appointment with a nutritionist to help regulate my diet. I know how important that is when cancer is in the picture.

And the Doctor in St. Louis is a whole 'nother story. One I will be telling soon. And one that makes decisions just that much harder.

"The sovereignty of God is the pillow on which the believer rests his head."

~Spurgeon~

Believe me, that pillow is getting a huge work out from me. :-)

And today I can truly say,

"It is well with my soul."