pondering surrender

I've been a bit silent about what is really going on with me the last few weeks because frankly, it's been hard.

My goal is not to be discouraging with this blog, but I do want to be truthful about how God is dealing with me as he takes me down the path I am on.

The battle lately has been about surrendering to Him.

You know the hymn "I Surrender All".

It is beautiful. The words are precious. I've come to the conclusion that I never knew what God was asking of me as I sang them.

"All to Jesus I surrender, all to Him I freely give. I will ever love and trust Him, in His presence daily live.

I surrender all... I surrender all..."

Here is the dictionary definition of surrender.

transitive verb

1. to give up possession of or power over; yield to another on demand or compulsion
2. to give up claim to; give over or yield, esp. voluntarily, as in favor of another
3. to give up or abandon: surrendering all hope
4. to yield or resign (oneself) to an emotion, influence, etc.

intransitive verb

1. to give oneself up to another's power or control, esp. as a prisoner
2. to give in (to): to surrender to temptation

Surrendering suddenly sounds so much harder.(While, not the surrendering to temptation part. I do that fairly easily:-)

For me it means surrendering to the fact that I may:

Not be the high energy mom I want to be for my kids.

Face the reality that the doctors may never find the solution to my problem.

Live with pretty much constant pain. Yes, most of the time it is low grade, but sometimes it is high grade. And it is always there.

Realizing shopping, vacations, swimming lessons, going to the park, going to church, going to play groups, going to the library, making meals, cleaning the house, these will all exhaust me for the day.

Never being able to sing more than a few phrases without coughing, on a good day. I love to sing. This is something I miss a lot. Especially during church and with my little girls in the car, or before bedtime.

Rarely having a conversation without a coughing fit.

Projects that are forever before me, ones I really want to do, but realizing that if I work on them I won't be able to take care of the basics of my house and the girls.

Facing the reality that being sick costs money. Money we would rather spend on other things. Or money we just don't have.

Watching my husband live with the stress of me being sick, him having to provide extra help, extra money, extra time that wouldn't have to be if reality wasn't as it is.

The last one is one of the hardest.

The reason I have hesitated in sharing this is that I don't want people to feel sorry for us.

It is what it is.

It's hard.

I've been through some rocky patches as God deals with the reality of surrendering to Him.

Surrendering EVERYTHING.

Surrendering my ideals of what my future looks like.

And it always comes back to this: "As for God, His way is perfect. The Word of the Lord is proven. He is a shield to those who trust in Him." Ps. 18:30

And it is, He is. He's always there for me.

He lets me wander about the house after the girls are in bed, Dustin still at work, tears streaming down as I list all of the above and how hard it is for me.

How much I want life to be different.

How jealous I am of moms who aren't sick.

And then gently reminds me that He is with me.

Though He cries with me, keeps my tears in His bottle, He also has a purpose in all of this.

So, yes I have rough days. My attitude isn't at all perfect. My struggles are continual. But His grace is indeed sufficient in my weakness.

That is why I say, please don't feel sorry for me, for us.

It may be a rather bumpy road, but the blessings I get from depending on God to get me through (when I remember to do that) abound.

What we do want, however, is your continued prayers. I covet those. Realizing that the only strength I have comes from above.