Focus

Circumstances in our lives have brought several things a little more sharply into focus, as you can imagine.

For me, at the moment, it is the lives that depend upon me right now.

Oh, I know they could very well get along without me. Somehow my girls would be raised, and raised very well, but nothing replaces a mommy.

I can't imagine my life right now without my mommy. And I'm 31, going on 32. :-)

This is starting to sound like I'm depressed. I can assure you I'm not, just having to face some thoughts I didn't think I would be facing, you know? I was going through some of our pictures from the past few months.

I love this one. We were in my parents basement playing around with the camera. It isn't the best probably from a photographers point of view, but nothing reminds me more of my job responsibilities then the sight of her little hand in mine. So much trust, dependence, and love.
Today Karis was helping me load the dishwasher and she thanked me.

"For what?" I asked.

"For teaching me to be a lady."

I am so glad that all it takes to teach little girls to be ladies these days is the process of pouring soap into the dishwasher, shutting the soap pocket, closing the door and pushing the little start button. It it were anymore complicated I would be sunk. :-) Just a heads up for you moms with little girls, I guess it is a whole lot easier than we think.

On a more serious note, that conversation reminded me of yet another responsibility a mommy has. I am their role model, and they are depending on me to indeed teach them what it means to be God's little princess and how to conduct themselves in a manner that will indeed be ladylike. Hopefully loading a dishwasher is a step in the right direction. I need every little thing to count at this point.
I know this is a bad picture, but do you ever look at your wedding ring and feel the responsibility and bond it implies? I am one with another person. Everything that happens to me happens to him. This was brought home as we were discussing some of my ups and downs and choice of Doctors. My pain level was not so great that particular day and it was getting to him. I looked up in the middle of our conversation to see tears forming in his eyes. He rarely cries, I've only seen in a few times in our marriage. Of course it made me cry, too. I am blessed to be so loved and try not to take it for granted.

I suppose I have a responsibility to myself, as well, to get the best treatment possible and survive this, but that isn't why I put this picture up.

Do you ever look at a picture and wonder why you don't feel how you look? This was taking just before Christmas so we would have some pictures to choose from for a present my mom wanted. I know I wasn't feeling the best, but you would never know it.

I want to feel like that picture looks. Put together, at least for me, and ready to face life.

That is where the frustration lies, lately. How do I get to that point.

At the moment I don't trust anyone.

Because of how I was brought up, I lean more towards the more naturalistic way of treating things, but that just ain't working out so well, except to keep my pain level down.

I'm also very leery of Doctors in general, because, let's face it, if you look at the facts they don't have the most glowing record with dealing with Cancer. Yes, there are a lot of success stories, but there are more that aren't successful. Hence the reason everyone hates to hear they have cancer. Believe me, I'm not just looking at those "naturalistic" web pages to back up these thoughts. Dustin is very skeptical of anything that isn't in the medical field, so I don't dare. :-) But I wish I were, it would make me feel better then to have places like John Hopkins and the Institute of Medicine backing up my thoughts. It's not exactly comforting to read that you need to check every prescription you take to make sure it is the right one, otherwise you may get something that is almost what you are supposed to have, but could be a letter or two off, just enough to kill you instead of help you. With around 100,000 accidental deaths a year because the prescription is wrong I suppose I should take this seriously.

In general it seems that America is wonderful at the diagnostic process but not so hot with the treatment part. If I knew how to put up some links, I would, so you could see where these warm fuzzy feelings are coming from, but I don't, so I'll have to ask Dustin to help me so you don't think I'm just making up these facts. Sorry to ramble, but this is where my thoughts are at right now.

Thankfully I'm still in the diagnostic process, so I've got time to sort through all my thoughts.

I was in tears the other day with my frustration. Who do I turn to? There is nobody to trust. Not natural, not medical.

I opened my Bible, and again the tears came, but this time with comfort.

"In my distress I called upon the Lord, And cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, And my cry came before Him, even to His ears." Ps. 18:6

What reassurance for me. I only have to trust One. My Lord. That was a personal message to my heart that His ears heard my cry. I wasn't in this alone.

For those of you who are worried I won't get treatment, don't worry. I've come to the conclusion I don't have to do one or the other. I can do both.

Doesn't seem like it would take a rocket scientist to figure that out, but evidently it does because it took me long enough. I can work with both Mayo and the Dr. in St. Louis. I don't have to choose, at least not yet.

And I have confidence the Great Physician will be faithful to direct what treatment I should be taking. Those who ask for wisdom, and search for it, are promised that it will be given. Proverbs 2 I believe. Well, I'm digging away, and holding Him to that promise. Thanks for the continued prayers.

Now, two of my responsibilities are running wild upstairs and I need to get up there before my house burns down. Seriously, Gabi tried to take a box of matches to bed yesterday. :-) I wish I were kidding.